Understanding Men – Advice Commonly Given To Women

Both online and at the book stores, where the shelves are lined with ‘Relationship Advice’, usually geared towards women [as if men would bother seeking out such literature, lol…], I’ve noticed a common and recurring theme: ‘to improve your dating life, you must understand men: how they think, how they operate, etc.’

Here are the points I found in the dating advice given to women:

  • Men WILL take you for granted, if you let them
  • Understand that men and women are profoundly different and have different needs
  • Be sensitive to men’s’ fears
  • Accept men as they are / allow them to be themselves
  • Don’t pay attention to what men say, but to what they do
  • Men are simple creatures – learn to take them at face-value
  • Be aware of how you react to a man’s behavior / men hate sticky situations

So let’s examine each in some depth:

Men WIIL take you for granted, if you let them

Basically, men will follow the path of least resistance but they love a ‘challenge’.  So, the women are instructed to keep the ‘challenge’ going by being semi-available, having a life, etc.  I see it as an unfair burden placed on a woman to play the part of the ‘illusive prey’ to the ‘hunter-man’ just to keep his interest.  It is often exhausting to play games.  If I like you and you like me – why can’t we just be content that we found each other?

Men and women have different needs

Apparently, men want to be: respected, admired, appreciated, and satisfied physically.  Women, on the other hand want to be: loved, listened to, given attention and affection.  Where I fail to see the ‘differences’ is that to me all of the above simply look like the two sides of the same coin.

Does one not feel respected when they feel they are listened to?  Does one not feel admired and appreciated when given attention and affection?  Is one frequently sexually frustrated when they have partner who loves them?  And VICE VERSA!

Men have fears

And it’s a woman’s job to identify them and provide a ‘safe’ platform of interactions, in order to lessen the man’s’ fears.  These fears include: rejection, loss of freedom/identity, getting too close to someone, getting too serious with someone.

Hence, the ladies are instructed to be the ‘vulnerable’ one, so the man doesn’t have to.  They are expected to put their heart in the blender, while the man keeps his finger on the ‘crush’ button.  All the other fears could be allayed by ‘keeping it light and fun’.

Think about it for a moment – how many things in our lives, if they are important to us (jobs, hobbies, interests) that week keep ‘light’ and don’t take too seriously?   If we were to apply the same logic to the important things in our lives we would: be fired for a half-ass job performance, our hobby-skills would be rusty and average at best (no fun), our interests would be superficial and we’d not seek out the knowledge on the subject beyond the basics.

Accept men as they are

This one is a bit confusing.  I do think that most women, or people in general, know you can’t change another person.  Therefore, it makes sense to accept a person as they are and to let them be themselves – pretending to be someone else is never sustainable over time.  With that said, however… What does it mean to ‘let men be themselves’?  Are the women urged to accept the ‘bro-culture’ (an extreme example would be a porn-obsessed, sports-obsessed, lewd-joke-teller)?  Yes, we can accept men and appreciate them for who they are, but does this not imply that we shouldn’t expect men to be a ‘gentleman’ to a degree?

And, moreover, would men have the stomach to accept women as we are, and respect our un-filtered self-expressions?  Would a man accept a woman who tells emasculating jokes (and thinks a man should find them funny), farts in his presence, shopping-obsessed, celebrity-gossip obsessed, picks her clothes from the bottom of the laundry hamper?  Or do men expect a more lady-like behavior?   Can this work both ways?

Pay attention to men’s actions not their words

It’s true – actions do speak ‘louder’ than words.  However, words still speak, convey information and communication.   So, why is it that we have come to accept that ‘words are cheap’?  Are the days of ‘word as your bond’ or ‘I give you my word’ over?  For example, in the world of business, if you don’t keep your word – you lose business, because it erodes trust.   How is accepting the inconsistency between ‘saying one thing and doing another’ going to improve communication between lovers, or even the society as a whole is beyond me.

Men are simple creatures

This is one of those ‘inherent differences’ between the sexes.  Women are thought to be ‘complex’, because they tend to ‘over-think’, ‘over-analyze’, etc.  I guess, we’d accept that men are simple creatures, if so many of them weren’t accomplished bull-shit artists.  And the ability to spin successful bull-shit and sell it as the ‘real thing’ to serve one’s own agenda is a true Art.

Be aware how you re-act to men’s actions

This is where the women are blamed for the most human and natural reaction to being slighted by a man – an emotional reaction.  So, a man stood you up.  You call him up and his excuse so lame that your words and voice become more ‘expressive’.  He proposes to call when you’re ‘less mad’ [as if by some magic, you’ll have an amnesia].  Then, he goes into hiding.

No one likes conflict/drama.  However – why is it impossible to outright tell the dudes when they mess up royally?  As if personal accountably is a vanishing virtue.

I’m interested in what both men and the ladies have to say on the points above.  Please leave your comments below.  Perhaps, collectively, we can sort this out.

 

When a Man Says He Needs [to be in] Space

nasaEnter the Star Wars: Episode: 0.   Yes, once a guy utters these words – he demotes himself from an admired Jedi-hero to a zero, in the eyes of a woman who’s been duped to adore him [tears shed].

Now, there’s an endless stream of advice on why/who/where/how on the issue of ‘Space’.    Most sources give the generic enausiating same advice — I just interpret it diffently :

  • He’s a man [to the extent his mommy will allow]
  • He needs to feel in control [psychopath]
  • He’s unsure about his feelings [robot]
  • He wants to regain his independent identity again [choose any former part of the USSR]
  • His decision will make your relationship better [the EU; think Brexit]
  • It’s not about you, he just needs some time to sort things out [it 99% maybe about the awesome YOU he can’t fathom – he maybe a retarded moron; who’s to make that judgement, aside from the qualified professionals?]
  • Don’t over-react;  [tell that to the German Chancellor post WWI to avoid the WWII and see how that fares… just a thought.)
  • Be kind, loving, compassionate [that’s your mommy’s job, not your GF’s.]
  • When he comes back – welcome him with ‘open arms’ [I assume that means weapons, idk?] and talk it with him about the separation [like Ivan the Terrible of Russia, idk – stick the spike?]  Of course I’m exaggerating, my gentile appologies…

The problem no one seems to square off is, guys may think: “I need a break here, hun.”  While the ladies hear it as: “I’m crossing to the Dark Side…” or “Jeez, I know I pulled my balls inside-out to get your attention, but now I’d like to re-visit my life before you, and pls don’t ask why I wanted to pull my balls inside out for you in the first place, since I’m now bolting.”

The Second Part is the Worst Advice Ever Given to Women:

“Stroke your man’s ego/build him up” BUT, and that’s a big BUT “don’t rely on him fulfilling/validating/ stroking your (gasp} Self-Esteem”!  [Yes, ladies and gents, apparently there’s a gender [evo-bio-socio-patho-logical] distinction that men have ‘fragile egos’ and women have ‘fragile self-esteem.’]  Did no one really think to point out that its: potatoes/potatos??

So, the Man is on the Mission to Space Exploration:

It happened to me, literally a week ago – and my first instinct (and a persistent one) is to strap him to the shuttle at the Kennedy Space Center and voice the count-down: 3-2-1…  But, I ‘played along’ – as advised by all the nonsensical media out there, texting him: “Take all the time you need.  You’re in my thoughts.  Don’t worry about me.” – Crap.

Meanwhile, I felt I suffered so much from him wanting to cut me out of his life [temporarily, as his male psyche may delude him], that I went sort of numb…  As a result, I do not feel bad at all about entertaining an idea of chatting up the cute guy at the coffee-shop I see often in his hot uniform, and see if we could have a date.  I would not feel guilty meeting someone out of the blue, either.  The point is – he left me in the hanger, but I maybe tempted to pilot the ultra-light that’s just sitting there, waiting for no-one.

The man I thought I loved [and who said he loved me] does not wish to speak to me  and said “I want to see some other face besides yours”… for now.   But I am not obligated to wait for him.  I’m not Penelope and he’s no Odysseus.

Should my ‘space-man’ decide to resurface on this Earth; I’d probably have a few responses (none are what he’d expect), but he may counter:

  1. “Uh-huh… [While researching something on my Lenovo, with much poignant indiffernece to his re-appearance.]
  2. “Hmm, ya know – I kind of like this new ‘space-thing’; dude: I’m a ‘space girl’ now. Your idea – and an excellent implementation on top?!   Kudos!  [Risky, but do you see it, ladies – why should we inflate his tires when he’s no NASCAR champ?]
  3. “So, I’ll maybe see you later?” ‘Says he; explanation: on the planet ’Crapstone’.  And, yes – whatever you do – avoid the Crap-tonite [aka-any marginal closeness with the dude; just feed him the scraps of your attention/affection that will forever pale with what his sorry ass was lucky to get freely before…]  If you’re a Normal-woman, [god, if you’re an Uber/Super Girl – please open the school, like the X-men [but maybe not, if that’s why they’re now almost ‘X-tinct’] Crapstonite will always just be what it is… Crap.
  4. And as the final, he says: “I miss you”: Translation is desperately needed here.  What he likely means is that he misses the ‘super-fun-times/sex’ or he can’t get any new conquest.  So, Babe – come back here.”
    1. My answer to that would be (thoutgh I’m using a particular enterprise as an example):”I wish I could — I was just made an Executive VP of my [enter anything here… My McDonald’s Region!.”  All work is to be respected. and Geez, the two letters : VP [Vice-presedente] will knock him off his ego-stall.
  5. Ladies, I take a priorty on you –the dudes should not get a free ‘do whatever’ pass without consequences.  And if they do — you are granted [by them] the same.

Case Closed.  Check-Mate.

Please share your own experiences in the Comments [all vox populi is uncensored, so let it rip].

 

 

 

Salt-Water Aquarium – For Beginners

image (9).jpgOk, I have to fess up – one of my many hobbies (ranging from canning organic mushrooms to archery) has been fish-keeping.  Why?  I once visited a friend at a Massachusetts hospital and was amazed at how tranquil it is to watch the aquatic life.  Ever since, I was hooked.

Like most fish-novices

image-11

I started with a fresh-water tank.   Guppies – aren’t they great?  Fan-tails, fancy, easy-to-breed gups.  The problem became when I graduated from 1 10 gal tank to a 46gal tank – those gups breed like rabbits [though when I’m at a pet-store, I look at their guppies and muse that mine are much more healthy and colorful]. J

image-10

I also got some other ‘inhabitants’ – ghost shrimp, neons, and the ‘african birchers’ [the store card said: Habitat: Community Aquarium].  10 min after I placed my new two birchers – one was absconding with my little neon tetra in his mouth – they are predatory hunters that will eat anything less than 1” in size and can grow to 16’; so I had to place them in a separate tank.  They are the laziest fish (swim-wise), but their muzzles were so cute, I could not return them back to the store.

When I found Nemo…

As corny as it sounds, a new pet-store opened a month ago, featuring some marine life that unless you’re PADI-certified, you (like me) have never seen in person before.  Again, I was hooked (seduced, really).  It’s like, when you look at them – your mind starts singing Sebastian’s ‘Under The Sea’.

After doing some research on salt-water tanks, I bought in.   I purchased a new 10 gal tank [I find these the most appropriate size – not too small/not too big], Pacific Sea Water [pulled my arm muscle big time, hauling the 5 gal boxes, but totally worth it!’, substrate, sand… Plus a couple of inhabitants: a chocolate star-fish and a polyp that raises it’s ‘hairs’ like a 5-o’clock shadow now and then.  No clown fish there, yet.

Helpful Hints:

No matter if you’re starting a fresh or a sea-water aquarium, here are the thing that can save your [fish] life:

  • With the fresh-water: do splurge on the ‘aquarium bacteria’ (depending on the size of the tank you’re looking at $8-$14).  This will cycle the tank immediately, so you won’t have to worry about the built up of ammonia / nor the ‘add 2 fish at a time’ rule.  I had to move a few months ago – no fish has died in this scenario.
  • With the salt-water tank: do follow the best i-net advice of placing the Aragonite substrate (this one you’ll need to wash, as it is as milky as rice) + the Caribbean Sand (no rinsing; a big time-saver!).
    • You WILL need a ‘live rock’ – what it means? Eh, I’m still not sure – I guess a rock that has the beneficial micro-stuff… that ‘s why it costs at least $10.
      • Bonus – some crabby-crabs like to inhabit them, so there’s a good chance you might get a freebie Mr. Crabs.
    • I never put tap water into my tanks [always goes too iffy compared to the $1 store-brand gal’s.]. Yes, when I set up my 46 gal tank early mourn – I was at WalMart, de-stocking the shelves right as the guys were stocking them of water, lol – all about 40+ bottles.
    • So is with the salt-water – if you find the ‘Pacific Water’ boxes at PetCo, or such for $11 for 5 gal – that’s the same price you’d pay for spring water + marine salt, plus do the measuring. Why bother, if it’s there and ready for you?
    • To have a fancy saltwater tank, you don’t have to go ‘all fancy’ [at least not all at once’.
    • As I mentioned, 10 gal seems like the right fit – you can easily de-commission the tank and/or re-purpose it. It is much harder with a bigger tank.
    • Don’t go for the ‘all-included’ tanks (unless on-sale). My salt-water tank cost me $14 +$14 Filter (and I already had the heater and the lightered hood I could use from an old tank), so do your math.   Though, if the Sale is good, and you can get all for under $50 – that’s a steal of a deal!  Go for it!
    • Research your fish’s dietary needs (or better – preferences). I once bought a super-high-quality protein pellet food for my Gups and Gourami – all was left on the floor.  They preferred the crushed flakes!  Of course, those high-protein pellets would cause harmful nitrites. 😮

A Word on the Bettas – the Siamese Fighting Fish:

image-13

Yes, the day I spotted the blue twin-tail Louis [the XIV, cause of his pompous snout when I brought him home], I could not resist.  Bettas are ‘sold’ as the ‘easy/low bio-load fish’ and while it is true – they won’t poop a world of toxic nitrites in one day, which makes them a clean fish…  Bettas will need a tank of their own; they tend to be scared (or at least my Louis, of the installed internal filter that those ½-1.5 gal tanks have – he hates the sound and fury, with a royal passion].   Since they are a ridiculously beautiful fish, and gosh I wish I had a full tank of them (but, NO – they’d kill each other!).

I’m just passing my own experience with the Betta’s  — Louis:

  • Indifferent to the ‘Tetra-Betta brand Floating Pellets’
  • Prefers ‘Omega One Fresh Water Flakes’ – idk why, to be honest… Maybe, they’re smellier than others
  • Since he hates [and hides] at the sound of a filter – I introduced some snails. Water quality seemed to have improve.

If you have a fish-keeping advice or a question, feel free to present it below!

How to Cure the ‘Lazy Partner Syndrome’

It’s a commonly accepted belief that as a romantic relationship takes root, one or both partners gets a little too comfy and switches on to the ‘auto-pilot’.  Since, it’s mostly us ladies that notice that gone are the days of candle-dinners, frequent “I love yous”, and quality conversations.  So I’m going to gear this post to the lazy boyfriend issue and attempt to propose some possible solutions.

“I don’t want having a girlfriend to feel like a second job!”

This was the statement made by my ex-ex-ex man.  Seems logical enough.  We hope that a romance is something that will be fun, rewarding, comforting, fulfilling – a refuge from our daily life’s demands and expectations.

Upon a closer inspection, this begins to look more and more like an infantile illusion.  What’s wrong with a little effort?

Here’s What’s Wrong

Let’s take your boyfriend as a test-specimen.  If he has a job – he puts in the effort in expectations of increasing the rewards (recognition, pay raise, promotion), or if he’s not that ambitious – not to get sacked.

Your boyfriend has interests and hobbies.  He practices his hoops to hone his skills on the court.  He may play his guitar for hours.  He has a memory of an elephant when it comes to the baseball stats, dating to 1920.  He allocates time and effort to his non-monetary pursuits in anticipation of increasing rewards (impressing people with his talents = recognition).

But, when it comes to attending to you and the relationship – he seems to slack off.  Why?  The rewards of a relationships are perceived as ‘fixed’ – if he’s already enjoying your support, affections and sex on steady basis, why allocate greater resources?   In fact, he may hope to the rewards to continue flowing freely with no further investment what’s so ever – like a well once dug, will deliver the water.

While to us, ladies, a stable relationship represents… well, stability, which is rewarding in itself.  To your man – it’s a pass to relax.

Negative Rewards

These have the opposite effect on your man.  If he slacks of at his job – he’s boss notices and gives him a negative performance evaluation.  His morale sours and he starts contemplating a job hop.  He tries a new hobby and he stinks at it.  The discouragement will likely make him abandon it.

In the context of a relationship – he wants cling to the illusion that he’s awesome just by ‘showing up’ [once in a while], and the negative feedback – what commonly referred to as ‘nagging’, will gradually have the same effect on him: “this is no longer fun”, “costs outweigh the benefits”.  His morale sours and discouragement sets in, causing him to show up less and less.

The Proposed Solution

Have you noticed a rewards pattern in the scenarios above?  One main reward is ‘recognition’, which floods the brain with fuzzy-feel-good chemicals.  Here’s the key: ‘recognition’ = ‘attention’.

To ‘un-fix’ the relationship rewards and make them elastic, all you have to do is direct your attention in the right direction.

If he’s visiting family out of town and said he’d be back on Wednesday.  Come Wednesday – he’s a no show, no call, no text.  Instead of tracking him down (if only to find out his bus didn’t crash on the interstate), which will inevitably result in “Why didn’t you call me?!!!” [negative attention] – you pay no attention.  He’ll surface eventually.  When he does – you suddenly have developed ADD.

If he replies with one-word texts (or doesn’t reply) – pay no attention.  He’ll contact you eventually.   Remember you now have ADD and forgot you even messaged him in the first place.  Your future texting habits may also be impacted by your ‘ADD’.

If makes ‘phantom date-plans’, such as proposing an activity without time and date stamp, and does not follow through – tell him, if he wants to ‘hang out’ to let you know when his availability forecast is 100%, with no chance of flaking off for any reasons, even ‘due to the act of God’ [to use the Insurance industry lingo… yes, apparently the distraction of property ‘due to the act of God’ is in the fine print and is not covered].

I guess, I’ll try this for myself and see how this goes… I vowed to myself not to be the ‘nag’, as it seems to be virtually impossible to hold other people accountable.  So, I’ll give the deficit of attention a try.

Why Do Men Misinterpret Female Politness as ‘Sexual Interest’?

 

Can the ‘older’ dudes be so gullible, or just plain dumb (when it comes to the matters of the heart – NOOOOO, I hope NOT!!)… I.e, the ladies, we’re taught to be polite and friendly.  So how come so many men from age of 19 to 69 simply assume and get their unrealistic fantasies rationalized, when we are just being that – simply polite – we smile, acknowledge their presence, and hope they go back to their usual routines…

I had a personal experience, with an older [elderly man who would ‘take from me emotionally’ – he could me my grandfather – gross!!!] , because we had a conversation once or twice – he admitted that he had “no problem” with my age…  I, on the other hand could smite him… what a superfluous thing to regard?  Others do not ‘exist’ simply for you pass-time!

Hello?  I’m a third of your age!  I’m baffled, mystified and angry at this sick phenomenon.   So here’s my ‘State of the Union’ Address:

“My fellow – Eligibles.  The by-gones are trying to live through you.  Do not let them.  They had their chance at happiness, but they blew it.  This is now our time; we look towards the future not the past.”

Why ddi the old men, to whom I just was polite….see me as a potential ‘love interest’  [I only was polite], and to ‘ease’ the tension, I said:  we have a huge age-difference (hoping  he’d call back his horses)…  Instead, he made it a point that the ‘age difference’ does not mean much to him much as it does to me…[now – I just find him plain gross for the failure of understanding…]

Shit Tests – a Commentary on the Il-Man

Shit tests

 

I’ve recently stumbled (again) on the Illimitable Man’s post on ‘Shit Test Encyclopedia’.

The Illimitable Man is plenty insightful and he’s earned my respects in many ways…

Here’s the Link to his article:

https://illimitablemen.com/2014/12/14/the-shit-test-encyclopedia/

From my own humble psyche/experience – that’s quite a misdirection to otherwise good men.

My Experience:

 I’ve been both attracted to the “confident” [arrogant] a-holes, as well as good-natured guys.  The problems always seemed to arise when my male specimen would feel ‘he owes me something’, and so vice versa, of course…

Rebuke #1 – Women Shit Test You To See If Your Worth Having Sex With

Unless you’re going for a lone ‘bar-girl-regular’ – chances are she’s not evaluating your mating potential then and there…  The Il-Man implies that your game solely determines whether or on not you get the sex.  That is 90% not true; the lady wants to know if you’re ‘good in the sack’/ and ‘trust-worthy’.

Moreover, any question such as ‘I bet you said this to most ladies / I bet you have a girlfriend’ is a sign of flirting – not a Shit Test.   If you adhere to the Il-Man’s wisdom = you lose; because in reality = no girl wants an asshole, just like no man wants an angry smart-mouthed bitch.

So, it’s not a real ‘Shit Test’, she just wants to be assured you’re ‘for real’ (or not) – be sweet to her, and she’ll likely open up like a flower.   See, men [I’m reading the Homer’s ‘Iliad’] are too ummmm…. Can’t say it in any placid way – are not smart, In The Iliad at least…  It’s the Men who have all the power-struggles between them [who’s got a bigger !@W$.]

Alpha, Beta, Gamma, Delta, Epsilon – All Greek to Us (Ywan):

Dudes of the World, realize  that we don’t test, nor care, for your male posse status [aka: prince / stable boy] (in fact – we luster after the stalbe boy rather than the prince).   And when we ask you to get us coffee [as the Il-Man described as a ‘Compliance Shit-Test’], we just want to feel that you care about us… to get us a cup of coffee, which makes you so endearing to us, a true provider and a man that can take care of his woman – it has nothing to do with the “power games” what’s so ever, we hate those games

As a Woman:

Who earns a decent living; shoots bow and arrows etc.., and from time to time takes the Gentlemen’s’ money in Texas Hold ‘Em – there’s no REAL divide of ‘Alpha/Beta’ men.  There’s simply an attraction.  To propose that  a man should ‘act’ a certain way is preposterous.  Alpha = asshole (as Il-Man recommends); Beta = ???.  Sorry, the ‘Greeks’, dont’s mean much to the Ladies, as they do to the men.  We just want to share ths short glorious life with a dude…

I can only advise that only a handful of those “a-hole” responses will grant you success.  If you’re faced with a women, with a common sense – you’re ‘road-kill’.

So I guess – pick them wisely, but even then – If I’m across the bar, and some guy tries to take some advanced  ‘Game” =  game on!  

(For more clarity, look up Chateu Scene – Matrix Reloaded — “Still, only human.”]  (At some point I will master the Sais.)  Cheers!

With Love for All of you, my dearest

Alessante

 

 

 

 

 

Do People Reject You For Looks?

It’s a sensitive topic; and mostly subjective  – what’s beautiful to one person may not be so for the other…

Anyways…

I Had a Recent Experience:

I went to the clothing shops and saw the same unflattering, cheaply-made fashions… So I went to JoAnn’s Fabrics shop and picked out a pre-rushed 3yrds that literally took 3 stiches to make a dress.  Now, with 1 stich – it would be your generic ‘tube-dress’.   But I like the sleeves, so sew the sleeves that doubled as a‘mantle’, which moved with the air ,in an unfortunately for me – some sort of a ‘regal fashion’ as I was told , when all I did was to add the sleeves to a tube-dress that took 2 machine stiches – so I left the mantle+sleeves that reached the ground.

Long story short, whenever I wear this ‘DIY-dress’,

I get 2 reactions: either the cars stop for me to cross the street, with one older gentleman-acquaintance that stopped his bike at the intersection, so I could cross in time, yelling: “hurry up, goddess” (and some lady-compliments, with whom I humbly share how easy it was to make the dress)

Or, I get stone-looks from women and men alike.  Even from my acquaintances also… For no apparent/brought to light reason.

So, I Googled if People Didn’t Like Women Who Look Good

Funny enough – there’s much material out there;  but it answered my question as: Yes.  And I encourage you to research furhter…

Women are threatened (apparently) if they perceive a female of a greater beauty.

Men are angered by the same; for them – it’s a tease.

None seem to understand that it’s not a social competition – this is why I don’t have FaceBook in the first place.  F-Book is not for me.

Ladies:

If you ever find yourself ‘threatened’ by another woman – chill.   She’s not judging you at all – she likely has the ‘I’m not the ‘Fairest of them all’ complex to battle — all on her own.   She is not competing with you for social/mate reward.    Just shrug her off, and remember that you’ve got great breasts (hair, etc.. – no one can have it all)

Some women try to over-compensate on looks (extreme example: plastic surgery), with me – I just wore a floor-length dress that people don’t usually see, (off the shoulder, yes) but in no way trashy.  And the ladies, specifically, gave me the cold shoulder.

Fellows:

I can only imagine what you think of a woman you see on the street, that’s attractive to you.  Nevertheless, I also experienced some very cold shoulders (not that I cared much) from men.   While some seemed to enjoy the sight of my DIY dress, as that’s not they see every day.  Those who were cordial – I felt appreciative towards.

Bottom line:

Why does a single article of a non-provocative clothing (yes, ok – I wanted it to be simple for the summer; it’s rayon fabric; took me 10 min to make itt; and yes, admittedly, it looks a tiny-bit-‘aristo’, cause I kept the fabric space with the floor-length sleeves and all) but why would it have such an impact?  I come from a family (on mom’s side) of dress-makers, so why is it an ‘irritant’ to the general society.  Are some people really that shallow??

Please post your comment below.

Yours truly,

Alessante

 

 

 

Rejection, Invalidation, Dismissiveness, Cold Shoulder… Confidence

There are two kinds of people, as I observed: the ones who are lucid and living in reality, the second kind are the ones who can’t bear the pains of reality and live in denial, lying to themselves and others.

The common lies people tell [and believe them, to make life bearable]:

  • My parents are great parents [even though I grew up in constant chaos]
  • My spouse is wonderful and loving [even though they are abusive]
  • I have many great friends [600 FaceBook followers, most I barely know]
  • My family is very supportive [even though they’re critical and controlling]

These people live in the sweet ignorance that they are (at least) not alone in the world…

Those who dare (or have no choice) to be lucid, see things what they really are, not accept things at their ‘face value’ are very brave, but they also suffer.  They suffer, usually from time to time from the notion that they, in fact, are alone in this world… often without an empathic friendly shoulder to rest their weary head on.

I don’t know which is a better adaptation to life, but as mentioned, sometimes lucidity is not a choice – it feels both like a blessing and a curse.  I salute those who refuse to live a lie and sympathize with their suffering.  This post is dedicated to you.

We’ve all experienced negative treatment by others: family, friends, lovers, strangers.  Be it in the form of rejection, invalidation [your opinion doesn’t matter/ you’re wrong – I’m right], dismissiveness [I’ll act as you don’t exist], the cold shoulder is similar to dismissiveness.

As we know from psychology – all these can have an extremely negative impact on a person’s psyche.  These can lead to depressive/anxious feelings and a pervasive sense of loneliness.

However, once you get past the shock [especially with the ones who you thought your closest allies], the situations can be re-framed and actually give you a feeling of empowerment!

There will always be people out there, who do not wish you to succeed, to do well, to prosper, to be happy or to be correct when they are wrong.  Why?  Ego.  These people see you as a threat to their Ego [their very psychological existence is at stake, as they are weak to accept a contrary point of view or to not be able think themselves ‘the best’].  So, they will try to bring you down to make themselves feel better. [Sick, I know.]  The motif for their behavior is jealousy.

I’ll give you a couple of personal examples of how to react to ‘haters’ and ‘nay-sayers’.

I like you /I don’t

A person I was close to, a business-owner; I often work on my Lenovo from his establishment.  He made romantic advances, and I returned them to a degree.  His biz is not doing so well, and I watched him get one bad advice after another from people who know nothing about business.  When I offered my thoughts, he dismissed them.  What do I know?  I’m just a customer-girl.  He began acting weird, dismissive, never saying ‘hi’, never responding to my casual friendly communications, ignoring me every chance he could.  His actions messaged: “I don’t notice you [you don’t exist], I have more important people in my life [all dysfunctional drama-queens], your ideas – in one ear, out the other [I can’t allow you to be right], you’re doing well – I’m struggling [I want to see you fail before I do]”.

Did that hurt?  Yes.  The whole point of this psychic battle is to make the strong person feel weak, to invalidate them, to dent their self-confidence, to make them feel rejected and unimportant.

SnowWhite and  the 100 Haters

photo (63) photo (64)

For the past Halloween, there was a restaurant that held a party/contest for the best costume [prize = $1,000].  One lady told me “You’d look like SnowWhite if your lips were redder”.    That was the inspiration….  I didn’t like any of the commercially-available costumes, so I made my own.

As the contest commenced, the DJ would elect a winner based on the crowd’s cheers.  There was the Ahmed-the-Scull (cheers), Man-in-Portapottie (cheers), Pirate-carrying-a-treasure chest-with-fake-mermaid (cheers).  When I came out as SnowWhite – dead silence…  I curtsied gracefully, stunned by the crowd’s reaction, but I was not upset.

I didn’t win, of course, but the crowd’s reaction was curious to me.  Why such a cold shoulder from complete strangers?  I think you can guess the answer from the previous example.  So I actually left feeling good.  Perhaps my dress was threatening in some way, that the unanimous sentiment was: “Oh, so she thinks her stuff so good?  Let’s show her it’s not…”  Again, the aim is to bring the person down.

So the next time…

You find yourself in the face of adversity – I dare you to take it as ‘a compliment, disguised as an insult’.  It means that you are a worthy adversary (if not more!).  As Alexander the Great said: “Victory favors the bold.”  When it appears that the entire world is against you – it’s proof-positive that you are a Champion.  Let it empower you with Confidence,  to be who you are and achieve great things.

As always, yours truly,

Alessante

Meditations on Love

When we seek love… it escapes us.  When we shun love, it runs chases after…. That is not Love, that is an oxymoronic phenomenon created as a result of early conditioning and lies…

The Early Lies

The first people we love are our parents/care-givers, who’s loving gaze lets the baby feel safe, warm and loved.   Inevitably, the lies we are fed, along with the breast milk of our mother come from many directions.

One Lie, is a question commonly asked of a small child: “Who do you want to be when you grow up?”   Seemingly innocent inquiry, it places a child’s existence under question.  To rephrase it: “You are nothing now, what will you construct your masked self to look like?”.

The common responses include: “I want to be: a fire-man, a doctor, a super-hero, a princess….”  These plant the seeds of early narcissism, where the adult-child will define Love as ‘I am loved, because I am important…. Because I have an impact on other people, et cetera…”  The little narcissists in training.

 

The other response is a blank stare from a toddler, wondering: “Heck, I can’t see that far in the future” so they will respond with a vague: “I don’t know….”  These adults will be trapped in a continuous cycle of the search for the perfect love, never quite finding it.

This simple question creates a doubt in the psyche, from an exterior source that urges it to ‘construct itself, or be a non-entity’.  Extremely damaging, annihilating what Is, and setting the bar for Being.

But, what if a small child, being asked the same question has answered: “What do you mean ‘what I want to be’?  I am what I am – flesh, blood, mind, spirit, connected by consciousness”.

This is the adult that will be capable of knowing Love, as they do not internalize the lie.  There will be no fear of them losing themselves to Love, as they know that they are who they are, and no external entity can adulterate that.

The Second Lie

‘Love thyself first’ or, the equivalent ‘No one will love you, if you do not love yourself first’.  If earlier holds true, how can those, who have no real notion of themselves, truly Love themselves first?  This Lie is told in order to keep Love at bay; make a Lie seem like Love and vice versa, to the disappointment to all involved.

Love/Relationship

Why do we view Love as a Gift, and a Relationship as some form of Obligation?  The answer is simple:  Love is something we expect to receive/ Relationship is something we are expected to ‘give’.  So the cycle of push/pull, approach/avoidance commences…  This is not Love.

Love is not for the faint hearts

True Love inspires men to be fearless – with their true love by their side, they feel they can take on the world.  These hearts are open and worthy of Love.   The fearful hearts will always repel True Love, ironically searching endlessly for the ‘Idealized love’ that does not exist.  Some even develop a stone-like armor around their weakened hearts that shun Love all together, and are resigned to stump this Earth alone.

The Myth

The above ‘types’ of hearts are often mis-interpreted as follows [in respective order]:

  • Open/Worthy – Vulnerable [exposed to injury]
  • Fearful — Hopelessly Romantic
  • Stone-walled – Strong, Fixed, Unshakable

As you see, the illusion that is being sold to us is an inversion of truth.  This illusion is perpetuated to ‘protect’ from ‘injuries’ to our hearts that Love supposedly can deliver.  This is the myth.  Love by itself is not dangerous.  That phantom danger stems directly from the hearts that are faint.  One faint heart cannot love another faint heart; it creates pain and distress.  Yet this is what the majority of the population will endure.  That’s why True Love is rare, and experienced by the ‘lucky’ few as bliss and happiness.

Again, we are duped into believing that we cannot rely on Love for Happiness.  Somehow, we must ‘instinctively’ bring love to ourselves [from ourselves] and ‘choose’ to be happy, further drifting away the possibility of experiencing True Love, robbing it of its gifts.  We do not ‘believe’ in True Love.

The Solution

There’s a saying, that there is a ‘mirror’ that even the bravest of men dare not to look into, for they are afraid at what reflection they will see – their True Selves, not the social masks they worked hard to construct and make others accept as authentic selves.

If you dare, to look at that mirror… To accept yourself as you are, not how others see you.  To really ask your self, which beliefs [about everything in the world] are truly yours and which have been ‘sold’ to you, and internalized.  If you can shed those ‘second-hand’ beliefs, and look at the world with fresh eyes, the possibilities that can open up to you will be endless.  This includes, the possibility of True Love.

Power Struggles in a Relationship

balanceI would like to preface this post by mentioning Freud/psych-stuff, that when we are dealing with power struggles in a romantic relationship – it is not our significant other who is causing the maddening feelings and reactions in us, they simply an ‘activator’ of earlier struggles we had with our parents, and we deal with them the way we did in our childhood: rebel or comply.

The Anatomy of a Power Struggle

The ‘honeymoon’ period of an early relationship is said to be the most exciting (and since most of us don’t make it to ‘mature love’ is most fulfilling).  Here, each partner wants to please the other, by giving them what they want to give to themselves.  Hence, they are ‘investing’ in the relationship, hoping for a huge windfall of comforts down the line.

Power Struggles commence when one partner feels they have been ‘short-changed’ by the other – aka, they didn’t get what they wanted.  From now on – it’s Game on!

Let’s assume a common theory that at the beginning:

  • Men want Sex (sex, and only sex… maybe throw in some cooking, care-taking, etc.)
  • Women want a Relationship/Romance (dinners out, hand-holding, walks on the park, kissing on the beach, etc.)

[Note that women “want more” from the guy, as the laundry list is un-balanced, LOL]

At some point in dating, both parties feels the other is ‘warm enough’ to give them what they want and often a sense of entitlement develops.   So, let’s say… after a passionate kiss, the guy gets really turned on and starts testing if he can get sex by putting on the ‘moves’.  If the girl is not ready (or feels the relationship is ‘not there yet’) she’ll deny him sex.  The guy may appear ok with her decision, but often times feels ‘defeated’ – the girl is controlling how things progress.  And this, is not ok with him.  😉  He senses that she ‘wants more’, so he retaliates by holding back on the relationship-stuff.

In addition [from a recent experience],  if a guy is really attracted to a girl  — a passionate kiss will not only set his pants on fire; he’ll also experience some other uncomfortable [and often ‘unwelcomed’] sensations in his knees and his chest area.  At this point, he’s super-embarrassed that this particular girl has that much effect on him, where he thinks he’s losing control of himself.  He must get himself back to being cool, calm and collected.

While from holding back on the relationship-stuff, he will also attempt to regain the upper hand by clandestinely yet persistently proposing ‘opportunities’ [for things to escalate physically – sex].  Hoping that the sooner he gets what he wants, the ‘uncomfortable symptoms’ will go away.  It looks something like this:

  • He’ll take you on a date [ but never call it a ‘date’], so you’ll size each other up
  • Your interactions are initally causal and pressure-free
  • Then you engage in some passionate kissing
  • Her: “It’s nice, I am really liking this guy!”
  • Him: “Holy crap, me feeling mushy?! Must get “man-hood” back!  Mission: Sex!”
  • Mission attempt is swarted
  • New Mission: Make Her Feel Un-Special
  • He starts to ‘act out’ in retaliation:
    • Stops asking you out on dates
    • Takes forever to return communications [or goes completely offline]
    • Talks about other women
    • Makes up excuses
    • He’s stingy with his time and attention to the girl
    • Forgets stuff, or that the girl even exists

This is the Pivotal Moment

He Pushed you, to see if you’ll run back to him, because you’ll feel hurt and ignored, looking for re-assurance that he’s still interested.  [His hurtful actions are bestowing the crown of Insecurity on you, and you want no part of it].  Though it feels natural and even rational, to openly ask the guy: “What’s up?  Is something wrong?”.

This is a trap!

Notice how men rarely ‘ask’ for anything verbally… let alone for a reassurance of their status with you.  Why?  To spell it out is not a position of power – the opposite.  If a girl plays into his hand [as he expects], he now has the upper hand, knows you are ‘very’ interested, and how to push your buttons.

This is why so many women are labeled as “insecure” [the guy just pulled the rug from under them, duh].  And this is also why so many women are not satisfied in their relationships that drag on for months or years.

Games are Tiresome

But, what if someone ‘challenges’ you to a duel of wits… You have 3 options:

  1. “Sir, you have offended my honor, and I demand satisfaction!” [Modern version: Challenge accepted!]
  2. Decline the challenge and sever all ties
  3. Eh, wave the white flag – NOT RECOMMENDED

The 3 options above will achieve the following likely outcomes:

  1. Balance of Power
  2. Void and Null
  3. Zero-Sum

How to Achieve the Balance of Power

The tricky thing about the term ‘balance’ is that it implies stability.  However, much like the animal kingdom and nature appear balanced and harmonious, there’s a continuing undercurrent of battle for survival.

Now, who wants a continuing struggle for balance?  The good news is that we are humans, and not even the Caesar’s army would need to battle 24/7.  It is only when someone attempts to influence your actions that are not in your best interest, or serve you any positive purpose that you put on the red cape of the general and defend your boundaries.

It is surprisingly simple to do – just ‘do unto others as they do unto you’.

  • If he’s non-responsive – let him wonder why he hasn’t heard from you in a while
  • If he’s not booking you for dates out – don’t ask ‘when will I see you?’, let him wonder why you’re not “interested” in going out with him
  • If he makes up excuses for not spending time with you — oops, you’re busy too
  • If he calls/asks last minute [or late at night] to “hang out” or crash at you’re place – you’re grandma is visiting. 😉

However, I also know it is extremely hard to do, since you do want to see him and be around him and shower him with affection [in between rare those moments when you don’t think about as a complete ass****].  The longevity and quality of your relationship will depend on your emotional fortitude.

As a last piece of my humble romance advice:

Know them before you love them

Don’t rush things, and however tempting – do not fall in love with a fantasy of what a relationship “should” be like.  You’re in it with another separate creature, who may have an agenda of their own.

Give in proportion to what they give

This will spare you from feeling depleted, short-changed, unappreciated and taken for granted.

Have fun

If this person in your life is adding richness to your daily life – enjoy it!  Even if the two of you are enjoying each other’s company in a non-date setting [working on a project, chatting at a coffee shop, etc.], it can be more spontaneous and fun [not talking sex here] then the ‘scripted’ dates of movie-dinner-smooch-at-the-door-[followed-by-guy-attempting-to-gain-entry].

Yours Truly,

Alessante