Why Men Pull Away

Love you

There are so many articles out there on this topic – but all of them miss a crucial point, which I am with sadness willing to offer you in a bit.  First, let’s explore what happens in a typical romantic relationship.

Everything is great.  The two of you are having a wonderful time.  When suddenly, he’s canceling dates, working late, or is simply MIA.  What’s going on here?  You went from feeling wonderful and cherished to miserable and angry.  That’s a perfectly normal reaction.

If you’ve been nothing but a wonderful date/girlfriend and suddenly, he doesn’t want to spend time with you, though you continue to reassure him how much he means to you  – this is what’s happening.

Psychology of Attachment

You see, our romantic relationships adhere to the ‘blueprint’ from our very early past – most of us had parents that did not meet our needs in some or many ways.  This causes the child to develop an ‘insecure attachment’ to their caregiver (the mother).

When your adult man has seemingly put you on a back-burner, when things were going so well, it is because of this – he’s developed a ‘secure attachment’.   But don’t be fooled, his infantile needs are met – and you are left in misery.

When a child has a secure attachment to his mother – he’s free to explore the world, yet he/she knows that  when s/he’s scared or hurt, he can return to the comfort of his attuned mother.

As I mentioned, most of us did not have really attuned parenting, therefore we will seek that unconditional love from our romantic partner.  In essence, what happens when you give the man in your life all your love and assurance – he doesn’t need you as much.  He’s under the impression that  he has a ‘secure’ “mommy”-figure to fall back on, while he is now free and desires to explore the world.

You are not his mommy

Ever wonder why the rumored men’s needs include: acceptance, love, trust, admiration, etc.?  It’s because their mommy did not do a good job of providing them.  Hence, the fabled male fragile (yet massive) Ego.  As soon as you, the mommy-sub, can meet those needs – he feels wonderful, but then he needs you less.  This is because biologically, the infant is meant to individuate from his mother.  I know this can sound very frustrating…

The key is not to dole out the emotional bandages (and being placed into the mommy-role).  He’ll appreciate it for awhile, and the withdraw to do his own thing, leaving you hurt, angry and unfulfilled.  Instead, be the ‘warrior-princess’ – a worthy opponent in his game (since he started it) and win, leaving him obsessed about getting love from you.

While men say what they need (as stated above), they are much more stimulated by the ‘game of chess’.  They are competitive by nature.   So, feel free to sympathize their wounded psyche, but never forget you own needs.  This way, you’ll achieve a balance, however precarious our human nature/nurture has dealt it to us.

With Love,


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