This post started out as a Comment on a fellow-blogger’s site The Dating Guy, but I finally realized it’s not cool to post blog-sized comments, out of consideration for those affected by ADD. So I give you my 2 Abe Lincolns on The Dating Guy’s original post, titled Picking Up Women – Approach #27 – Banter Rocks! Woman In Bookstore By Philosophy Section:
Funny, I was a Philosophy minor in college…
As a girl, I have to say – bantering is not 100% effective. The guy who I know has a crush on me [reported to me by a 3rd party] (he owns a cafe where I sometimes work on my laptop). I kind of like him too. So I noticed he began using bantering remarks to ‘spark the convos’. I wear a pricey necklace as a soft of insignia, so he asked me “Do you sleep in it too?” I found it a bit off-putting and said “Yeah – happened once”.
So the last time I was there, I ordered and iced-tea and a glass of milk. He kept “forgetting” my order and for 2hrs serving everyone else but me. I sensed, he was ‘ignoring’ me to get some sort of a reaction to his ‘slights’, and perhaps for me to even get annoyed and say something. Instead, I asked a college-girl to watch my stuff, went over to a restaurant next door, got what I needed, came back — proceeded ‘business as usual’. He noticed the ‘foreign’ cups on my table, didn’t say anything.
So, as I was ready to leave, and pay for the 1st iced tea he did bring me at the start. As I placed the $$ on his counter, he wouldn’t look up at me, and proceeded texting on his phone. He saw I wasn’t reacting to his ‘acting like a jerk’ moves, and then all of a sudden started a normal conversation. But now I’m thinking less of him, that he (being an all-around great guy, on a shy side) had to resort to the ‘tactics’ and believe they would have a positive effect. Bottom line — if you ‘act like a [nice] jerk’ — I will label you as a Jerk. [And perhaps even treat you… you guess it, as a Jerk].
I can appreciate sarcasm, however this type of humor [encompasses bantering/teasing] is actually a form of ‘hostility’ disguised as ‘humor’. Perhaps some ladies respond to bantering/teasing – but for me, it’s so transparent and immature, and not a mark of a real man.
The Real Man Approach
If you want to approach a girl as a real man, don’t do it at her ‘expense’. Say something you’ve observed (not about ‘her’). Say something with sincerity, as she probably hasn’t experienced it before [cause most dudes who hit on her use Banter 😉 ].
In the article’s “Book Store Scene” the strange guy who’d pique my interest would say something ‘clever’.
Wit = Charm.
For instance: [as I’m surfing the book shelves, he’s casually nearby and in-half whisper says]: “Can you imagine if all these books were played as audio-books at once?” and then smile in a sincere, non-threatening manner. Or, example 2:
Boy: “Book-business is probably not a good business, don’t you think?”
Girl: “Idk. Why?”
Boy: “How many books can a person realistically carry out of the store?”
Girl: [laughter]. “You’re right!”
See the difference between the Banter-approach and the Wit-approach? Which one would you think would be more effective? And which guy would be more charming — the ‘playful insult-funny’ guy or the ‘clever-funny’ man?
When a guy resorts to the popular tactics: Banter, Teasing, Compliments laced with Insults, Now You See Me/Now You Don’t… This guy does not come across as truly confident [no matter his level of skill]. In fact, he ‘cheapens’ his value and reduces himself to a plain joke. Not to mention, that most of the Banter lines guys sponge up second-hand online. And… [and this is a big And], how can a guy stand out to – when the other guys are playing the same suit?
A Smart-Funny guy is just way more of a turn on. Ladies, I can’t speak for all, so feel free to chime in!