It’s because… they do, even better than us, human females. [Pardon for the “deceptive” title, but it was necessary and some of the information here may be hard for some ladies to accept. Just know – I am with you.]
In the last post, I’ve described some of men’s behavior to get attention from a woman that women find baffling. Today, we will examine more closely the ‘why’ behind it and what to do about it [so he gives you attention freely too].
Men and Emotions
C’mon – Men are People, too! It is a common social misconception that men either have no emotions or repress them. In my ‘investigation’, I find that men just aren’t willing to express their tender emotions so as they don’t want to be perceived as “vulnerable/week”. [It’s a construct, which only makes sense to men, so let’s not take it at face-value.]
So men have this sneaky habit [learned early on] to “express” their emotions by having YOU do it for them. In essence, they are the Shakespeare and you are the ‘dude-in-the-dress’ Actor (as you recall from Lit class – women were banned from acting back when. 😉 ] They write the script and you act it out for them. They want you to “express” what they’re feeling, so they externalize the emotion, and their ‘masculine tough-guy’ façade is intact.
How This Plays Out
He’s interested in you – his body language betrays him. You pick up on. If he senses that you’re onto him [or someone “outs” him], good luck getting HIM to ask your out. Your hair will grow so long by the time he comes around, that he can climb your braid to your second (or third) story apartment.
This is the reason men (and, yes women , too are not exempt here) will initially ignore their Crush – the person they’d most like to see and talk to. But they won’t , because of VULNERABILITY.
The concept of Vulnerability is often misunderstood. Men or Women, we somehow must find it endearing in the other person, because it shows ‘openness’, ‘acceptance’, etc crap. But society has decided it’s should be the woman’s ‘endearing quality’ that will attract men. [Go ahead and Google stuff men say they want in a woman… 😉 ]
The word itself, comes from Latin: Vulnere – a Wound. So, to be ‘vulnerable’ is to literary be ‘open to being wounded’. Go figure… Who was the original S&M tool who decided this should be an ‘attractive feminine trait’?
So, let’s say 2 people have a mutual crush on each other – and neither wants their feelings be known. No one’s is willing to put their heart on the table and say “Here Sweety, and I’m putting it right next to the meat-grinder, which I hope you won’t use.”
So now it’s a pure stand-off and the battle of wills — who will cave first?! [This also applies to other “waiting” game till one of you cracks and gives in. I win – you lose!]
What to Do About it
First, and foremost…in the Crush-scenario – if the guy seems to be missing balls to ask you out (fearing rejection or the nausea of having to express his feelings), there’s a way. Secondly, if the guy is total player [to clarify, the kind of a suave guy who usually keeps ‘a few irons in the fire’ (if you catch my drift), and he is not out-come dependent when interacting with you]: kick him to the curb, next to the recyclables – unless you really want to get hurt.
Now, back to the guy [assuming you’re still interested], who’s balls have gone MIA… If you like this ’shy’ guy still, I do not recommend making the first move to indicate you like him [even though you may know he has a crush on you]. I have 2 solid reasons to advocate against this ‘common wisdom’, such as asking him directly, such as: “So, when do you plan to ask me out?” (even in the breathiest tone)” – A no-no:
- If you show ‘courage’ of your own, and tell let him how you feel – he gets a free ride.: “I’m the man”, “She’s so into me – and I didn’t lift a finger!”
- He gets a free ride ‘throughout’ the relationship’ – “keep those hot cakes coming, Hon… That’s why I’m still here…”
Are you with me so far?
It’s not that he’s a jerk – he’s just having the cake, while eating it too – cause there are no consequences. His “ignore her and she’ll seek your validation” scheme worked perfectly!
\So, to not get sucked in the ‘back-burner-girlfriend’-zone, your best plan is to be his ‘gf’ when he behaves well, and be out of his life when he doesn’t. Now, this may sound counter-intuitive… [Why would you give the guy freedom when he wants to do stupid things?] Simple – you are not his Mother. And once he realizes that he has something valuable to lose [YOU, and not some nagging hag]… guess what? He’ll bring the “proverbial male logic” into his behavior to determine the outcome he desires.
The second option, and it often applies when you are just starting to get to know the guy, and you know he likes you – but is too of an ox to do admit it. So, here’s how I spontaneously handled it:
My crush owns a café. So, today – I ordered my usual, and asked for a re-fill, as soon as I was done…. Except…. I “fell asleep” in the couch-comfy-chairs area [btw – I needed a nap, really!]
But, through my half-a-sleep haze, I heard incoming customers inform the Owner of the ‘slumbering girl’…. I wondered If he’d come and check. I have no idea if he did or not. Later I just asked for another tea [which was ‘on the house’ – he’s sweet J]. So, perhaps, me falling asleep at ‘his’ establishment [or pretending to do so] – exhibited a sense of ‘trust’ in HIM. As in “If I crash at YOUR place – I trust you.” And that speaks volumes [without a single word]. 😉 Though you still keep your sober guard, of course. 😉
We later got chatty, as he turned down most of the lights. And when I was ready to go, he said: “So, will I’ll see you tomorrow? I said: “Tomorrow, I have to be in NYC, for a business function”.
So, here you have it, Ladies – If your man ‘baits’ you to give him your for attention, just go ‘Disney’ on him. Seriously, or ‘Ancient Aliens’…. Both work well, depending on a guy [usually the same guy 😉 ]. Be creative, be elusive, and THOU SHALL BE VERBALLY DIRECT… As little sense as t makes to us, ladies – remember, it leaves room for both ‘negotiations’ and ‘re-negotiations’.
- If he’s acting weird – NEVER ask: “What’s wrong?”, “Did I do/say something wrong?”, “ARE WE OK?” [It’s exactly why he’s baiting you –so you can take on his emotion for him on yourself – and he’ll negate it and resent it in kind. Just don’t’ do it.]
- If he’s acting distant [close to the above] – Never ask; don’t. Best – not to dignify his behavior with a any modicum of reaction at all. Just “madly” research a painting you bought at a yard-sale [hoping for early retirement!] So, he has virtually no access to you. He will see you occupied with [gosh forbid] something more interesting than HIM? Then — it’s your choice. 😉 [Jeez, this avg. J. is all about validation — but imagine you scored a priceless painting at a yard-sale?? And can possibly make big $$$ [not an urban tales — people I know did it!” ( a great hunt-2nd-career, In my view 😉 ].
- He’s acting like a ‘prick’ – well, Congtarts!!! It means he’s been having a crappy time everywhere else [works, school, friends], and now you possess the antidote to all that crappiness… Depending on your unique style – you could either banter: “Dude, are you PMSing again?” or, if more feminine style:” Lett’s go out to this great place where they make the best [his favorite food]” (clichés, I’m aware… Sigh…)
- Above all else, remember my dear Ladies of the World, if you once put your verbal hand of cards on the table – fin. Game Over. It may seem ridiculous and hard, but human interactions are sooooo complex, they simply ‘resemble’ games. The stakes are high, and so you know.