Rejection, Invalidation, Dismissiveness, Cold Shoulder… Confidence

There are two kinds of people, as I observed: the ones who are lucid and living in reality, the second kind are the ones who can’t bear the pains of reality and live in denial, lying to themselves and others.

The common lies people tell [and believe them, to make life bearable]:

  • My parents are great parents [even though I grew up in constant chaos]
  • My spouse is wonderful and loving [even though they are abusive]
  • I have many great friends [600 FaceBook followers, most I barely know]
  • My family is very supportive [even though they’re critical and controlling]

These people live in the sweet ignorance that they are (at least) not alone in the world…

Those who dare (or have no choice) to be lucid, see things what they really are, not accept things at their ‘face value’ are very brave, but they also suffer.  They suffer, usually from time to time from the notion that they, in fact, are alone in this world… often without an empathic friendly shoulder to rest their weary head on.

I don’t know which is a better adaptation to life, but as mentioned, sometimes lucidity is not a choice – it feels both like a blessing and a curse.  I salute those who refuse to live a lie and sympathize with their suffering.  This post is dedicated to you.

We’ve all experienced negative treatment by others: family, friends, lovers, strangers.  Be it in the form of rejection, invalidation [your opinion doesn’t matter/ you’re wrong – I’m right], dismissiveness [I’ll act as you don’t exist], the cold shoulder is similar to dismissiveness.

As we know from psychology – all these can have an extremely negative impact on a person’s psyche.  These can lead to depressive/anxious feelings and a pervasive sense of loneliness.

However, once you get past the shock [especially with the ones who you thought your closest allies], the situations can be re-framed and actually give you a feeling of empowerment!

There will always be people out there, who do not wish you to succeed, to do well, to prosper, to be happy or to be correct when they are wrong.  Why?  Ego.  These people see you as a threat to their Ego [their very psychological existence is at stake, as they are weak to accept a contrary point of view or to not be able think themselves ‘the best’].  So, they will try to bring you down to make themselves feel better. [Sick, I know.]  The motif for their behavior is jealousy.

I’ll give you a couple of personal examples of how to react to ‘haters’ and ‘nay-sayers’.

I like you /I don’t

A person I was close to, a business-owner; I often work on my Lenovo from his establishment.  He made romantic advances, and I returned them to a degree.  His biz is not doing so well, and I watched him get one bad advice after another from people who know nothing about business.  When I offered my thoughts, he dismissed them.  What do I know?  I’m just a customer-girl.  He began acting weird, dismissive, never saying ‘hi’, never responding to my casual friendly communications, ignoring me every chance he could.  His actions messaged: “I don’t notice you [you don’t exist], I have more important people in my life [all dysfunctional drama-queens], your ideas – in one ear, out the other [I can’t allow you to be right], you’re doing well – I’m struggling [I want to see you fail before I do]”.

Did that hurt?  Yes.  The whole point of this psychic battle is to make the strong person feel weak, to invalidate them, to dent their self-confidence, to make them feel rejected and unimportant.

SnowWhite and  the 100 Haters

photo (63) photo (64)

For the past Halloween, there was a restaurant that held a party/contest for the best costume [prize = $1,000].  One lady told me “You’d look like SnowWhite if your lips were redder”.    That was the inspiration….  I didn’t like any of the commercially-available costumes, so I made my own.

As the contest commenced, the DJ would elect a winner based on the crowd’s cheers.  There was the Ahmed-the-Scull (cheers), Man-in-Portapottie (cheers), Pirate-carrying-a-treasure chest-with-fake-mermaid (cheers).  When I came out as SnowWhite – dead silence…  I curtsied gracefully, stunned by the crowd’s reaction, but I was not upset.

I didn’t win, of course, but the crowd’s reaction was curious to me.  Why such a cold shoulder from complete strangers?  I think you can guess the answer from the previous example.  So I actually left feeling good.  Perhaps my dress was threatening in some way, that the unanimous sentiment was: “Oh, so she thinks her stuff so good?  Let’s show her it’s not…”  Again, the aim is to bring the person down.

So the next time…

You find yourself in the face of adversity – I dare you to take it as ‘a compliment, disguised as an insult’.  It means that you are a worthy adversary (if not more!).  As Alexander the Great said: “Victory favors the bold.”  When it appears that the entire world is against you – it’s proof-positive that you are a Champion.  Let it empower you with Confidence,  to be who you are and achieve great things.

As always, yours truly,

Alessante

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Meditations on Love

When we seek love… it escapes us.  When we shun love, it runs chases after…. That is not Love, that is an oxymoronic phenomenon created as a result of early conditioning and lies…

The Early Lies

The first people we love are our parents/care-givers, who’s loving gaze lets the baby feel safe, warm and loved.   Inevitably, the lies we are fed, along with the breast milk of our mother come from many directions.

One Lie, is a question commonly asked of a small child: “Who do you want to be when you grow up?”   Seemingly innocent inquiry, it places a child’s existence under question.  To rephrase it: “You are nothing now, what will you construct your masked self to look like?”.

The common responses include: “I want to be: a fire-man, a doctor, a super-hero, a princess….”  These plant the seeds of early narcissism, where the adult-child will define Love as ‘I am loved, because I am important…. Because I have an impact on other people, et cetera…”  The little narcissists in training.

 

The other response is a blank stare from a toddler, wondering: “Heck, I can’t see that far in the future” so they will respond with a vague: “I don’t know….”  These adults will be trapped in a continuous cycle of the search for the perfect love, never quite finding it.

This simple question creates a doubt in the psyche, from an exterior source that urges it to ‘construct itself, or be a non-entity’.  Extremely damaging, annihilating what Is, and setting the bar for Being.

But, what if a small child, being asked the same question has answered: “What do you mean ‘what I want to be’?  I am what I am – flesh, blood, mind, spirit, connected by consciousness”.

This is the adult that will be capable of knowing Love, as they do not internalize the lie.  There will be no fear of them losing themselves to Love, as they know that they are who they are, and no external entity can adulterate that.

The Second Lie

‘Love thyself first’ or, the equivalent ‘No one will love you, if you do not love yourself first’.  If earlier holds true, how can those, who have no real notion of themselves, truly Love themselves first?  This Lie is told in order to keep Love at bay; make a Lie seem like Love and vice versa, to the disappointment to all involved.

Love/Relationship

Why do we view Love as a Gift, and a Relationship as some form of Obligation?  The answer is simple:  Love is something we expect to receive/ Relationship is something we are expected to ‘give’.  So the cycle of push/pull, approach/avoidance commences…  This is not Love.

Love is not for the faint hearts

True Love inspires men to be fearless – with their true love by their side, they feel they can take on the world.  These hearts are open and worthy of Love.   The fearful hearts will always repel True Love, ironically searching endlessly for the ‘Idealized love’ that does not exist.  Some even develop a stone-like armor around their weakened hearts that shun Love all together, and are resigned to stump this Earth alone.

The Myth

The above ‘types’ of hearts are often mis-interpreted as follows [in respective order]:

  • Open/Worthy – Vulnerable [exposed to injury]
  • Fearful — Hopelessly Romantic
  • Stone-walled – Strong, Fixed, Unshakable

As you see, the illusion that is being sold to us is an inversion of truth.  This illusion is perpetuated to ‘protect’ from ‘injuries’ to our hearts that Love supposedly can deliver.  This is the myth.  Love by itself is not dangerous.  That phantom danger stems directly from the hearts that are faint.  One faint heart cannot love another faint heart; it creates pain and distress.  Yet this is what the majority of the population will endure.  That’s why True Love is rare, and experienced by the ‘lucky’ few as bliss and happiness.

Again, we are duped into believing that we cannot rely on Love for Happiness.  Somehow, we must ‘instinctively’ bring love to ourselves [from ourselves] and ‘choose’ to be happy, further drifting away the possibility of experiencing True Love, robbing it of its gifts.  We do not ‘believe’ in True Love.

The Solution

There’s a saying, that there is a ‘mirror’ that even the bravest of men dare not to look into, for they are afraid at what reflection they will see – their True Selves, not the social masks they worked hard to construct and make others accept as authentic selves.

If you dare, to look at that mirror… To accept yourself as you are, not how others see you.  To really ask your self, which beliefs [about everything in the world] are truly yours and which have been ‘sold’ to you, and internalized.  If you can shed those ‘second-hand’ beliefs, and look at the world with fresh eyes, the possibilities that can open up to you will be endless.  This includes, the possibility of True Love.