How to Cure the ‘Lazy Partner Syndrome’

It’s a commonly accepted belief that as a romantic relationship takes root, one or both partners gets a little too comfy and switches on to the ‘auto-pilot’.  Since, it’s mostly us ladies that notice that gone are the days of candle-dinners, frequent “I love yous”, and quality conversations.  So I’m going to gear this post to the lazy boyfriend issue and attempt to propose some possible solutions.

“I don’t want having a girlfriend to feel like a second job!”

This was the statement made by my ex-ex-ex man.  Seems logical enough.  We hope that a romance is something that will be fun, rewarding, comforting, fulfilling – a refuge from our daily life’s demands and expectations.

Upon a closer inspection, this begins to look more and more like an infantile illusion.  What’s wrong with a little effort?

Here’s What’s Wrong

Let’s take your boyfriend as a test-specimen.  If he has a job – he puts in the effort in expectations of increasing the rewards (recognition, pay raise, promotion), or if he’s not that ambitious – not to get sacked.

Your boyfriend has interests and hobbies.  He practices his hoops to hone his skills on the court.  He may play his guitar for hours.  He has a memory of an elephant when it comes to the baseball stats, dating to 1920.  He allocates time and effort to his non-monetary pursuits in anticipation of increasing rewards (impressing people with his talents = recognition).

But, when it comes to attending to you and the relationship – he seems to slack off.  Why?  The rewards of a relationships are perceived as ‘fixed’ – if he’s already enjoying your support, affections and sex on steady basis, why allocate greater resources?   In fact, he may hope to the rewards to continue flowing freely with no further investment what’s so ever – like a well once dug, will deliver the water.

While to us, ladies, a stable relationship represents… well, stability, which is rewarding in itself.  To your man – it’s a pass to relax.

Negative Rewards

These have the opposite effect on your man.  If he slacks of at his job – he’s boss notices and gives him a negative performance evaluation.  His morale sours and he starts contemplating a job hop.  He tries a new hobby and he stinks at it.  The discouragement will likely make him abandon it.

In the context of a relationship – he wants cling to the illusion that he’s awesome just by ‘showing up’ [once in a while], and the negative feedback – what commonly referred to as ‘nagging’, will gradually have the same effect on him: “this is no longer fun”, “costs outweigh the benefits”.  His morale sours and discouragement sets in, causing him to show up less and less.

The Proposed Solution

Have you noticed a rewards pattern in the scenarios above?  One main reward is ‘recognition’, which floods the brain with fuzzy-feel-good chemicals.  Here’s the key: ‘recognition’ = ‘attention’.

To ‘un-fix’ the relationship rewards and make them elastic, all you have to do is direct your attention in the right direction.

If he’s visiting family out of town and said he’d be back on Wednesday.  Come Wednesday – he’s a no show, no call, no text.  Instead of tracking him down (if only to find out his bus didn’t crash on the interstate), which will inevitably result in “Why didn’t you call me?!!!” [negative attention] – you pay no attention.  He’ll surface eventually.  When he does – you suddenly have developed ADD.

If he replies with one-word texts (or doesn’t reply) – pay no attention.  He’ll contact you eventually.   Remember you now have ADD and forgot you even messaged him in the first place.  Your future texting habits may also be impacted by your ‘ADD’.

If makes ‘phantom date-plans’, such as proposing an activity without time and date stamp, and does not follow through – tell him, if he wants to ‘hang out’ to let you know when his availability forecast is 100%, with no chance of flaking off for any reasons, even ‘due to the act of God’ [to use the Insurance industry lingo… yes, apparently the distraction of property ‘due to the act of God’ is in the fine print and is not covered].

I guess, I’ll try this for myself and see how this goes… I vowed to myself not to be the ‘nag’, as it seems to be virtually impossible to hold other people accountable.  So, I’ll give the deficit of attention a try.

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Rejection, Invalidation, Dismissiveness, Cold Shoulder… Confidence

There are two kinds of people, as I observed: the ones who are lucid and living in reality, the second kind are the ones who can’t bear the pains of reality and live in denial, lying to themselves and others.

The common lies people tell [and believe them, to make life bearable]:

  • My parents are great parents [even though I grew up in constant chaos]
  • My spouse is wonderful and loving [even though they are abusive]
  • I have many great friends [600 FaceBook followers, most I barely know]
  • My family is very supportive [even though they’re critical and controlling]

These people live in the sweet ignorance that they are (at least) not alone in the world…

Those who dare (or have no choice) to be lucid, see things what they really are, not accept things at their ‘face value’ are very brave, but they also suffer.  They suffer, usually from time to time from the notion that they, in fact, are alone in this world… often without an empathic friendly shoulder to rest their weary head on.

I don’t know which is a better adaptation to life, but as mentioned, sometimes lucidity is not a choice – it feels both like a blessing and a curse.  I salute those who refuse to live a lie and sympathize with their suffering.  This post is dedicated to you.

We’ve all experienced negative treatment by others: family, friends, lovers, strangers.  Be it in the form of rejection, invalidation [your opinion doesn’t matter/ you’re wrong – I’m right], dismissiveness [I’ll act as you don’t exist], the cold shoulder is similar to dismissiveness.

As we know from psychology – all these can have an extremely negative impact on a person’s psyche.  These can lead to depressive/anxious feelings and a pervasive sense of loneliness.

However, once you get past the shock [especially with the ones who you thought your closest allies], the situations can be re-framed and actually give you a feeling of empowerment!

There will always be people out there, who do not wish you to succeed, to do well, to prosper, to be happy or to be correct when they are wrong.  Why?  Ego.  These people see you as a threat to their Ego [their very psychological existence is at stake, as they are weak to accept a contrary point of view or to not be able think themselves ‘the best’].  So, they will try to bring you down to make themselves feel better. [Sick, I know.]  The motif for their behavior is jealousy.

I’ll give you a couple of personal examples of how to react to ‘haters’ and ‘nay-sayers’.

I like you /I don’t

A person I was close to, a business-owner; I often work on my Lenovo from his establishment.  He made romantic advances, and I returned them to a degree.  His biz is not doing so well, and I watched him get one bad advice after another from people who know nothing about business.  When I offered my thoughts, he dismissed them.  What do I know?  I’m just a customer-girl.  He began acting weird, dismissive, never saying ‘hi’, never responding to my casual friendly communications, ignoring me every chance he could.  His actions messaged: “I don’t notice you [you don’t exist], I have more important people in my life [all dysfunctional drama-queens], your ideas – in one ear, out the other [I can’t allow you to be right], you’re doing well – I’m struggling [I want to see you fail before I do]”.

Did that hurt?  Yes.  The whole point of this psychic battle is to make the strong person feel weak, to invalidate them, to dent their self-confidence, to make them feel rejected and unimportant.

SnowWhite and  the 100 Haters

photo (63) photo (64)

For the past Halloween, there was a restaurant that held a party/contest for the best costume [prize = $1,000].  One lady told me “You’d look like SnowWhite if your lips were redder”.    That was the inspiration….  I didn’t like any of the commercially-available costumes, so I made my own.

As the contest commenced, the DJ would elect a winner based on the crowd’s cheers.  There was the Ahmed-the-Scull (cheers), Man-in-Portapottie (cheers), Pirate-carrying-a-treasure chest-with-fake-mermaid (cheers).  When I came out as SnowWhite – dead silence…  I curtsied gracefully, stunned by the crowd’s reaction, but I was not upset.

I didn’t win, of course, but the crowd’s reaction was curious to me.  Why such a cold shoulder from complete strangers?  I think you can guess the answer from the previous example.  So I actually left feeling good.  Perhaps my dress was threatening in some way, that the unanimous sentiment was: “Oh, so she thinks her stuff so good?  Let’s show her it’s not…”  Again, the aim is to bring the person down.

So the next time…

You find yourself in the face of adversity – I dare you to take it as ‘a compliment, disguised as an insult’.  It means that you are a worthy adversary (if not more!).  As Alexander the Great said: “Victory favors the bold.”  When it appears that the entire world is against you – it’s proof-positive that you are a Champion.  Let it empower you with Confidence,  to be who you are and achieve great things.

As always, yours truly,

Alessante

Meditations on Love

When we seek love… it escapes us.  When we shun love, it runs chases after…. That is not Love, that is an oxymoronic phenomenon created as a result of early conditioning and lies…

The Early Lies

The first people we love are our parents/care-givers, who’s loving gaze lets the baby feel safe, warm and loved.   Inevitably, the lies we are fed, along with the breast milk of our mother come from many directions.

One Lie, is a question commonly asked of a small child: “Who do you want to be when you grow up?”   Seemingly innocent inquiry, it places a child’s existence under question.  To rephrase it: “You are nothing now, what will you construct your masked self to look like?”.

The common responses include: “I want to be: a fire-man, a doctor, a super-hero, a princess….”  These plant the seeds of early narcissism, where the adult-child will define Love as ‘I am loved, because I am important…. Because I have an impact on other people, et cetera…”  The little narcissists in training.

 

The other response is a blank stare from a toddler, wondering: “Heck, I can’t see that far in the future” so they will respond with a vague: “I don’t know….”  These adults will be trapped in a continuous cycle of the search for the perfect love, never quite finding it.

This simple question creates a doubt in the psyche, from an exterior source that urges it to ‘construct itself, or be a non-entity’.  Extremely damaging, annihilating what Is, and setting the bar for Being.

But, what if a small child, being asked the same question has answered: “What do you mean ‘what I want to be’?  I am what I am – flesh, blood, mind, spirit, connected by consciousness”.

This is the adult that will be capable of knowing Love, as they do not internalize the lie.  There will be no fear of them losing themselves to Love, as they know that they are who they are, and no external entity can adulterate that.

The Second Lie

‘Love thyself first’ or, the equivalent ‘No one will love you, if you do not love yourself first’.  If earlier holds true, how can those, who have no real notion of themselves, truly Love themselves first?  This Lie is told in order to keep Love at bay; make a Lie seem like Love and vice versa, to the disappointment to all involved.

Love/Relationship

Why do we view Love as a Gift, and a Relationship as some form of Obligation?  The answer is simple:  Love is something we expect to receive/ Relationship is something we are expected to ‘give’.  So the cycle of push/pull, approach/avoidance commences…  This is not Love.

Love is not for the faint hearts

True Love inspires men to be fearless – with their true love by their side, they feel they can take on the world.  These hearts are open and worthy of Love.   The fearful hearts will always repel True Love, ironically searching endlessly for the ‘Idealized love’ that does not exist.  Some even develop a stone-like armor around their weakened hearts that shun Love all together, and are resigned to stump this Earth alone.

The Myth

The above ‘types’ of hearts are often mis-interpreted as follows [in respective order]:

  • Open/Worthy – Vulnerable [exposed to injury]
  • Fearful — Hopelessly Romantic
  • Stone-walled – Strong, Fixed, Unshakable

As you see, the illusion that is being sold to us is an inversion of truth.  This illusion is perpetuated to ‘protect’ from ‘injuries’ to our hearts that Love supposedly can deliver.  This is the myth.  Love by itself is not dangerous.  That phantom danger stems directly from the hearts that are faint.  One faint heart cannot love another faint heart; it creates pain and distress.  Yet this is what the majority of the population will endure.  That’s why True Love is rare, and experienced by the ‘lucky’ few as bliss and happiness.

Again, we are duped into believing that we cannot rely on Love for Happiness.  Somehow, we must ‘instinctively’ bring love to ourselves [from ourselves] and ‘choose’ to be happy, further drifting away the possibility of experiencing True Love, robbing it of its gifts.  We do not ‘believe’ in True Love.

The Solution

There’s a saying, that there is a ‘mirror’ that even the bravest of men dare not to look into, for they are afraid at what reflection they will see – their True Selves, not the social masks they worked hard to construct and make others accept as authentic selves.

If you dare, to look at that mirror… To accept yourself as you are, not how others see you.  To really ask your self, which beliefs [about everything in the world] are truly yours and which have been ‘sold’ to you, and internalized.  If you can shed those ‘second-hand’ beliefs, and look at the world with fresh eyes, the possibilities that can open up to you will be endless.  This includes, the possibility of True Love.

Power Struggles in a Relationship

balanceI would like to preface this post by mentioning Freud/psych-stuff, that when we are dealing with power struggles in a romantic relationship – it is not our significant other who is causing the maddening feelings and reactions in us, they simply an ‘activator’ of earlier struggles we had with our parents, and we deal with them the way we did in our childhood: rebel or comply.

The Anatomy of a Power Struggle

The ‘honeymoon’ period of an early relationship is said to be the most exciting (and since most of us don’t make it to ‘mature love’ is most fulfilling).  Here, each partner wants to please the other, by giving them what they want to give to themselves.  Hence, they are ‘investing’ in the relationship, hoping for a huge windfall of comforts down the line.

Power Struggles commence when one partner feels they have been ‘short-changed’ by the other – aka, they didn’t get what they wanted.  From now on – it’s Game on!

Let’s assume a common theory that at the beginning:

  • Men want Sex (sex, and only sex… maybe throw in some cooking, care-taking, etc.)
  • Women want a Relationship/Romance (dinners out, hand-holding, walks on the park, kissing on the beach, etc.)

[Note that women “want more” from the guy, as the laundry list is un-balanced, LOL]

At some point in dating, both parties feels the other is ‘warm enough’ to give them what they want and often a sense of entitlement develops.   So, let’s say… after a passionate kiss, the guy gets really turned on and starts testing if he can get sex by putting on the ‘moves’.  If the girl is not ready (or feels the relationship is ‘not there yet’) she’ll deny him sex.  The guy may appear ok with her decision, but often times feels ‘defeated’ – the girl is controlling how things progress.  And this, is not ok with him.  😉  He senses that she ‘wants more’, so he retaliates by holding back on the relationship-stuff.

In addition [from a recent experience],  if a guy is really attracted to a girl  — a passionate kiss will not only set his pants on fire; he’ll also experience some other uncomfortable [and often ‘unwelcomed’] sensations in his knees and his chest area.  At this point, he’s super-embarrassed that this particular girl has that much effect on him, where he thinks he’s losing control of himself.  He must get himself back to being cool, calm and collected.

While from holding back on the relationship-stuff, he will also attempt to regain the upper hand by clandestinely yet persistently proposing ‘opportunities’ [for things to escalate physically – sex].  Hoping that the sooner he gets what he wants, the ‘uncomfortable symptoms’ will go away.  It looks something like this:

  • He’ll take you on a date [ but never call it a ‘date’], so you’ll size each other up
  • Your interactions are initally causal and pressure-free
  • Then you engage in some passionate kissing
  • Her: “It’s nice, I am really liking this guy!”
  • Him: “Holy crap, me feeling mushy?! Must get “man-hood” back!  Mission: Sex!”
  • Mission attempt is swarted
  • New Mission: Make Her Feel Un-Special
  • He starts to ‘act out’ in retaliation:
    • Stops asking you out on dates
    • Takes forever to return communications [or goes completely offline]
    • Talks about other women
    • Makes up excuses
    • He’s stingy with his time and attention to the girl
    • Forgets stuff, or that the girl even exists

This is the Pivotal Moment

He Pushed you, to see if you’ll run back to him, because you’ll feel hurt and ignored, looking for re-assurance that he’s still interested.  [His hurtful actions are bestowing the crown of Insecurity on you, and you want no part of it].  Though it feels natural and even rational, to openly ask the guy: “What’s up?  Is something wrong?”.

This is a trap!

Notice how men rarely ‘ask’ for anything verbally… let alone for a reassurance of their status with you.  Why?  To spell it out is not a position of power – the opposite.  If a girl plays into his hand [as he expects], he now has the upper hand, knows you are ‘very’ interested, and how to push your buttons.

This is why so many women are labeled as “insecure” [the guy just pulled the rug from under them, duh].  And this is also why so many women are not satisfied in their relationships that drag on for months or years.

Games are Tiresome

But, what if someone ‘challenges’ you to a duel of wits… You have 3 options:

  1. “Sir, you have offended my honor, and I demand satisfaction!” [Modern version: Challenge accepted!]
  2. Decline the challenge and sever all ties
  3. Eh, wave the white flag – NOT RECOMMENDED

The 3 options above will achieve the following likely outcomes:

  1. Balance of Power
  2. Void and Null
  3. Zero-Sum

How to Achieve the Balance of Power

The tricky thing about the term ‘balance’ is that it implies stability.  However, much like the animal kingdom and nature appear balanced and harmonious, there’s a continuing undercurrent of battle for survival.

Now, who wants a continuing struggle for balance?  The good news is that we are humans, and not even the Caesar’s army would need to battle 24/7.  It is only when someone attempts to influence your actions that are not in your best interest, or serve you any positive purpose that you put on the red cape of the general and defend your boundaries.

It is surprisingly simple to do – just ‘do unto others as they do unto you’.

  • If he’s non-responsive – let him wonder why he hasn’t heard from you in a while
  • If he’s not booking you for dates out – don’t ask ‘when will I see you?’, let him wonder why you’re not “interested” in going out with him
  • If he makes up excuses for not spending time with you — oops, you’re busy too
  • If he calls/asks last minute [or late at night] to “hang out” or crash at you’re place – you’re grandma is visiting. 😉

However, I also know it is extremely hard to do, since you do want to see him and be around him and shower him with affection [in between rare those moments when you don’t think about as a complete ass****].  The longevity and quality of your relationship will depend on your emotional fortitude.

As a last piece of my humble romance advice:

Know them before you love them

Don’t rush things, and however tempting – do not fall in love with a fantasy of what a relationship “should” be like.  You’re in it with another separate creature, who may have an agenda of their own.

Give in proportion to what they give

This will spare you from feeling depleted, short-changed, unappreciated and taken for granted.

Have fun

If this person in your life is adding richness to your daily life – enjoy it!  Even if the two of you are enjoying each other’s company in a non-date setting [working on a project, chatting at a coffee shop, etc.], it can be more spontaneous and fun [not talking sex here] then the ‘scripted’ dates of movie-dinner-smooch-at-the-door-[followed-by-guy-attempting-to-gain-entry].

Yours Truly,

Alessante

Why Men Just Don’t Get It (Part Deux)

Get it 2

It’s because… they do, even better than us, human females. [Pardon for the “deceptive” title, but it was necessary and some of the information here may be hard for some ladies to accept.  Just know – I am with you.]

In the last post, I’ve described some of men’s behavior to get attention from a woman that women find baffling.  Today, we will examine more closely the ‘why’ behind it and what to do about it [so he gives you attention freely too].

Men and Emotions

C’mon – Men are People, too!  It is a common social misconception that men either have no emotions or repress them.  In my ‘investigation’, I find that men just aren’t willing to express their tender emotions so as they don’t want to be perceived as “vulnerable/week”.  [It’s a construct, which only makes sense to men, so let’s not take it at face-value.]

So men have this sneaky habit [learned early on] to “express” their emotions by having YOU do it for them.  In essence, they are the Shakespeare and you are the ‘dude-in-the-dress’ Actor (as you recall from Lit class – women were banned from acting back when. 😉 ]  They write the script and you act it out for them.  They want you to “express” what they’re feeling, so they externalize the emotion, and their ‘masculine tough-guy’ façade is intact.

How This Plays Out

He’s interested in you – his body language betrays him.  You pick up on.  If he senses that you’re onto him [or someone “outs” him], good luck getting HIM to ask your out.  Your hair will grow so long by the time he comes around, that he can climb your braid to your second (or third) story apartment.

This is the reason men (and, yes women , too are not exempt here) will initially ignore their Crush – the person they’d most like to see and talk to.  But they won’t , because of VULNERABILITY.

The concept of Vulnerability is often misunderstood.  Men or Women, we somehow must find it endearing in the other person, because it shows ‘openness’, ‘acceptance’, etc crap.  But society has decided it’s should be the woman’s ‘endearing quality’ that will attract men.  [Go ahead and Google stuff men say they want in a woman…  😉 ]

The word itself, comes from Latin: Vulnere – a Wound.  So, to be ‘vulnerable’ is to literary be ‘open to being wounded’.  Go figure…  Who was the original S&M tool who decided this should be an ‘attractive feminine trait’?

So, let’s say 2 people have a mutual crush on each other – and neither wants their feelings be known.  No one’s is willing to put their heart on the table and say “Here Sweety, and I’m putting it right next to the meat-grinder, which I hope you won’t use.”

So now it’s a pure stand-off and the battle of wills — who will cave first?!  [This also applies to other “waiting” game till one of you cracks and gives in.  I win – you lose!]

What to Do About it

First, and foremost…in the Crush-scenario –  if the guy seems to be missing balls to ask you out (fearing rejection or the nausea of having to express his feelings), there’s a way.  Secondly, if the guy is total player [to clarify, the kind of a suave guy who usually keeps ‘a few irons in the fire’ (if you catch my drift), and he is not out-come dependent when interacting with you]:  kick him to the curb, next to the recyclables – unless you really want to get hurt.

Now, back to the guy [assuming you’re still interested], who’s balls have gone MIA…   If you like this ’shy’ guy still, I do not recommend making the first move to indicate you like him [even though you may know he has a crush on you].  I have 2 solid reasons to advocate against this ‘common wisdom’, such as asking him directly, such as: “So, when do you plan to ask me out?” (even in the breathiest tone)” – A no-no:

  1. If you show ‘courage’ of your own, and tell let him how you feel – he gets a free ride.: “I’m the man”, “She’s so into me – and I didn’t lift a finger!”
  2. He gets a free ride ‘throughout’ the relationship’ – “keep those hot cakes coming, Hon… That’s why I’m still here…”

Are you with me so far?

It’s not that he’s a jerk – he’s just having the cake, while eating it too – cause there are no consequences.  His “ignore her and she’ll seek your validation” scheme worked perfectly!

\So, to not get sucked in the ‘back-burner-girlfriend’-zone, your best plan is to be his ‘gf’ when he behaves well, and be out of his life when he doesn’t.  Now,   this may sound counter-intuitive… [Why would you give the guy freedom when he wants to do stupid things?]  Simple – you are not his Mother.   And once he realizes that he has something valuable to lose [YOU, and not some nagging hag]… guess what?  He’ll bring the “proverbial male logic” into his behavior to determine the outcome he desires.

The second option, and it often applies when you are just starting to get to know the guy, and  you know he likes you – but is too of an ox to do admit it.  So, here’s how I spontaneously handled it:

My crush owns a café.  So, today – I ordered my usual, and asked for a re-fill, as soon as I was done…. Except…. I “fell asleep” in the couch-comfy-chairs area [btw – I needed a nap, really!]

But, through my half-a-sleep haze, I heard incoming customers inform the Owner of the ‘slumbering girl’…. I wondered If he’d come and check.   I have no idea if he did or not.  Later I just asked for another tea [which was ‘on the house’ – he’s sweet J].  So, perhaps, me falling asleep at ‘his’ establishment [or pretending to do so] – exhibited a sense of ‘trust’ in HIM.  As in “If I crash at YOUR place – I trust you.” And that speaks volumes [without a single word]. 😉  Though you still keep your sober guard, of course.  😉

We later got chatty, as he turned down most of the lights.   And when I was ready  to go, he said: “So, will I’ll see you tomorrow?   I said: “Tomorrow, I have to be in NYC, for a business function”.

So, here you have it, Ladies – If your man ‘baits’ you to give him your for attention, just go ‘Disney’ on him.  Seriously, or ‘Ancient Aliens’…. Both work well, depending on a guy [usually the same guy 😉 ].  Be creative, be elusive, and THOU SHALL BE VERBALLY DIRECT…  As little sense as t makes to us, ladies – remember, it leaves room for both ‘negotiations’ and ‘re-negotiations’.

Last words

  • If he’s acting weird – NEVER ask: “What’s wrong?”, “Did I do/say something wrong?”, “ARE WE OK?” [It’s exactly why he’s baiting you –so you can take on his emotion for him on yourself – and he’ll negate it and resent it in kind. Just don’t’ do it.]
  • If he’s acting distant [close to the above] – Never ask; don’t.   Best – not to dignify his behavior with a any modicum of reaction at all.  Just “madly” research a painting you bought at a yard-sale [hoping for early retirement!]  So, he has virtually no access to you. He will see you occupied with [gosh forbid] something more interesting than HIM?  Then — it’s your choice. 😉  [Jeez, this avg. J. is all about validation — but imagine you scored a priceless painting at a yard-sale??   And can possibly make big $$$ [not an urban tales — people I know did it!” ( a great hunt-2nd-career, In my view 😉 ].
  • He’s acting like a ‘prick’ – well, Congtarts!!! It means he’s been having a crappy time everywhere else [works, school, friends], and now you possess the antidote to all that crappiness…  Depending on your unique style – you could either banter: “Dude, are you PMSing again?” or, if more feminine style:” Lett’s go out to this great place where they make the best [his favorite food]”  (clichés, I’m aware… Sigh…)
  • Above all else, remember my dear Ladies of the World, if you once put your verbal hand of cards on the table – fin. Game Over.  It may seem ridiculous and hard, but human interactions are sooooo complex, they simply ‘resemble’ games.  The stakes are high, and so you know.

Yours Truly,

Alessante

Why Men Just Don’t Get It

It’s because… they do, even better than us, human females. [Pardon for the “deceptive” title, but it was necessary and some of the information here may be hard for some ladies to accept.  Just know – I am with you.]

Get it

I see so many women, unhappy in their relationships, complaining about how men ‘just don’t get it’ [aka – what a woman’s needs are in a relationship].  Once-upon-a-time a Hopeless Romantic, turned into an inconsiderate, forgetful, dismissive, ignoring, ‘go-with-his-flow’ kind of chump.

Ever wondered: What’s Up With That?

No, he hasn’t undergone a brain surgery or been abducted by aliens…  The truth maybe too bitter a pill, to be honest – the guy is being his ‘self’.  Now, I put that in single quotations, to emphaticize that he’s neither being who he pretended to be at the beginning [his higher self – SuperEgo] nor is he being his true self [Ego – that ship has sunk ages ago, just ask Freud].  What you are dealing here is the ‘third kind’ – the pure primitive yet intelligent Id.  To clarify, when people refer to ‘male fragile ego’ – it is ‘fragile’ because it is his own constructed personality that was built like a brick-wall with no mortar.  Moving on…

Why Men Get Into Relationships In the First Place

Why would a man [the self-reliant homo-sapient] would form a ‘relationship’ with a woman, if ‘just sex’ is abundantly available now-a-days 24/7?  Let it sink in for a bit…  Still with me?

The answer is that a Man [particularly a young one] needs/wants a Woman to simply ‘Feel Good’.  That’s it – plain and simple.  A man chooses a woman that makes him feel good in her company (but you’ve been notified of this before, of course).

Now, think of the time a man made you ‘feel so good’ in his presence… I’ll wait 😉   It felt wonderful, didn’t it?  So, why the sudden shift? […tempted to use ‘shit’ 😉 ]

If You Believe in Cinderella-Type Endings, I Do Not Recommend You Continue – The Truth May Be Too Much

 [To come clean – I teared up at the latest Cinderella-movie, cause I knew that BS would never be real in life.  Think about it – the inexperienced Prince “must” marry before his daddy goes to a ‘better place’, if he is to take the Throne.  Was Cindy‘s timing just plain luck?  Food for thought…].

 Men get into relationships, cunningly planning it to serve their needs.  Sure, at first they’ll dazzle you to hook you in.  And once the ‘chase’ is over and they have you – they begin an insidious process of lowering your expectations of them, so they get a free ride.  This process involves button-pushing, conditioning, and subtle manipulation.

The Nature of Path of Least Resistance

The above is the rationale for why men do what they do.  They want to train you to receive less, while you are giving more.  [Does this echo your current/past relationship dynamic?]

But you need not be unhappy, repeating this pattern over and over… In my next post, I will deal with how to handle this crap like a true wonder-Woman you are.  How to find empowerment and how to deal with men’s ‘B/S-tests’ just to see what they can get away with.

Yours Truly,

Alessante

The Dark Triad is Not the Only Game in Town

triads

Again, I read a fellow-WordPress blogger’s post on the Dark Triad individuals [ Narcissism – Psychopathy-Machiavellianism] and how these people are revered and succeed in all areas of life (especially with the opposite sex), written ever so expertly by the IllimetableMan.

This got me curious… as one comment was: “So what happens when the Dark Triad Man and Dark Triad Woman get together?”

The IllimetableMan replied: “Sparks fly. You get a very intense relationship where two people have this perverse high octane kind of love, but can’t stop abusing the shit out of each other mentally.”

As I taxed my memory, I realized I know/knew at least 2 of these Dark-triad men.  One – an Italian-stallion at a former toxic employment (29 at the time).  The other – (gasp) my martial arts instructor (well over 40).

So, before I dive into these characters, a thought hit me – in the archaic cryptic message “As above, so below”:  I knew the Dark Triad had to have its mirror-opposite(s).  So, I propose the Blue Triad and the White Triad (you can read on the Black Triad from the Il-Man himself:) ):

http://illimitablemen.com/power/

Ok, back to the Dark characters of the wounded psyche Triad (Black)…  The Italian Stallion I worked with [gosh his good looks have corrupted him beyond hope].  It didn’t take me long to realize that his “pleasant” and “attentive” demeanor was just a ‘hook’ to feed of my emotions.  At the time – (in a small firm), I was the only girl in Operations, he was an Account Executive (Sales’ guy).  As more females were hired, this was his play-ground.  [In fact – I stopped watching TV; this was the best running daily show!].   In a predictable fashion – the Stallion charmed me, tried to use me for my ‘money-making’ skills and sex, of course.  When none of it panned out – he went’ iceberg’ on me.  So, when another girlswas hired [who first dressed like a camp-counselor], and I watched to go form that to dressing like she’s going to a club?!  I pulled her aside and said: [You know, be careful… He’s only after what he can get.]  She brushed me off, of course… until some weeks later, she came to my cube and said: “I know what you meant about C*****s!”, and she was back to her old style.

Funny thing, he once went out of his way to holler at this girl, completely ignoring me (at the printer, between them).  So the next day, I walked into his cube, as I needed addition paperwork from his newly-landed client.  So, it’s 9am, I need 2 Red Bulls to wake up…. I’m sipping on one, as I’m talking biz with him [yet, only 3 of 4 fingers are holding the can and waving it in front of his face, as I’m appearing sleepy and mundane], the middle finger is extended (get the drift?)], LOL.  The look on his face was priceless!!!

He was your ‘garden-variety’ asshole, disguised as a white knight.  I often observed him in the board room meetings, and how he could have every man and woman hang on his every word, I was amazed at his skill, but I knew what he was… –  a psychopath.  And as he ‘used’, ‘toyed’ and ‘abused’ his less discerning coworkers [the CEO was a also a psychopath, and abused him the most, btw], people would simply ignore him and never speak up.

The Moment I Gave Him: “I Know What You Are” Look…

Upon exposing his Mr. Hyde-side, people would revolt, be embarrassed and silent…  Not me… I was determined to beat him at his own game, not out of hostility, but out of a curiously competitive feeling that I haven’t  experienced in a long time.   Needless to say – he met a worthy adversary.

The Dark Triad meets The Blue Triad

They are both ‘worthy adversaries’, but where’s the Black Triad believes in its inborn dominion – the Blue Triad are the ‘champions for Good’, and will fight to bring down their enemies.  Contrast it with the White Triad, which is generally conflict-averse and is peace-seeking.

The Dark Triad traits you can look up on Il-Man’s site:

http://illimitablemen.com/power/

The White Triad traits are as follows:

White triad

The natural ‘prey’ for the Dark ones, don’t you agree?

However, the Blue Triad looks like this:

Blue triad

We have a strong sense of Justice, the perceptive powers of the Dark ones, and we are willing to fight them… till the end.

[The ‘Blue’-term I selected, based on (cough) Archangel St. Michael’s mantle-color, the ultramarine, as he’s wielding his sword to cast Lucifer into the depth of the Earth].

So how did I ‘beat’ the Italian Stallion at his own game?  I’m a quick learner.  I picked up on what he was up to – and delivered it right back to him… with compounded interest. 😉 Oddly enough – he seemed to have a ‘special respect’ for me, once he knew I was on to him.  And there was a definite sexual chemistry,  that never was acted upon, as we both knew we’d destroy each other.  On my final day at the company – [cause I got a miraculous job offer, compared to that hell-hole]… he totally faked a sudden “client meeting” and didn’t come back after lunch — being close to the big Boss, he knew it was my final day, as he told me [ I didn’t know it yet officially].  Which is weird — I said plenty well-wished good-byes to people I was half-fond of.  But this seems so over-the-top on his behalf.

Onto the Next Chapter

My current martial arts instructor at a local university… First, he looks every part of an ex-con.  Second, he has this tendency, as I observed to be excessively rough with his students – demonstrating his dominance, until they ‘tap-tap’ for mercy in pain.

As the Fall 2015 semester started – I was excited to be training again.  To my surprise, the ‘community class’ [as I’m not a college-kid since 2008] consisted of 3 people – me, a young guy [who left early] , and a guy in wheel-chair.  The Instructor announced we’d be studying Samurai weapons [yeay!!!].

Exept, he kept provoking me with his foam-cased baton: “hit me on the head!”.  So I’ll ceremoniously do so.  And each time, he’d retaliate bolder and bolder – until… the baton hit me on my eye-brow!  I was pissed, and said “ouch!”.   As a complete reflex, in a following split-second I raised my baton and hit him on the head as hard as I could… he then said “ouch!”.  [Well – he literally asked for me to hit him on the head….]

So, then, of course – as a psychopath would…. He’d try to minimize the situation: “Did you really think I mean to hurt you?”   I said, staring intensely deeply into his eyes [something the Blue Triad can do without hesitation]: “Yes!  I know what you are..  And, I’m watching you”. (Followed by threats of law-suits, etc…)

Note again, I said “I know “what” you are, not “who” you are”, this is important – it implies they are not fully human as they masquerade.

The next class?  There were only 2 females that showed up.  With me, being the first to start the class…. After the foam-baton-experience, I went to NYC and purchased 2 wooden Katanas (just in case he asked me to hit him on the head again, he should really mean it. 😉 ).  Instead, he was excited, and properly showed me how to fight with the Samurai swords.  Go figure, what a turnaround occurs, when a psychopath needs to hold on to their mask?  He didn’t attempt any shit with me again.

Disclaimer: “If your’e a danger to society — give me one court-passing evidence….[too feisty to elaborate, but you get it].

Bottom Line for the Blue Triad:  You have a strong sense of Justice, you are extremely perceptive, you are a formidable enemy and yet you fight for Good.  You are a Champion, along Perseus and Heracles.  You are the world’s hope, to wield your sword and cast the Dark ones into the abyss.  Above all — trust your instincts.

Yours Truly,

Alessante

Bantering/Teasing Women as Flirting

BanterThis post started out as a Comment on a fellow-blogger’s site The Dating Guy, but I finally realized it’s not cool to post blog-sized comments, out of consideration for those affected by ADD.  So I give you my 2 Abe Lincolns on The Dating Guy’s original post, titled Picking Up Women – Approach #27 – Banter Rocks! Woman In Bookstore By Philosophy Section:

https://datingguy.wordpress.com/2007/05/22/picking-up-women-approach-27-banter-rocks-woman-in-bookstore-by-philosophy-section/

Funny, I was a Philosophy minor in college…  

As a girl, I have to say – bantering is not 100% effective.  The guy who I know has a crush on me [reported to me by a 3rd party] (he owns a cafe where I sometimes work on my laptop). I kind of like him too.   So I noticed he began using bantering remarks to ‘spark the convos’.  I wear a pricey necklace as a soft of insignia, so he asked me “Do you sleep in it too?”  I found it a bit off-putting and said “Yeah – happened once”.

So the last time I was there, I ordered and iced-tea and a glass of milk.  He kept “forgetting” my order and for 2hrs serving everyone else but me.  I sensed, he was ‘ignoring’ me to get some sort of a reaction to his ‘slights’, and perhaps for me to even get annoyed and say something.  Instead, I asked a college-girl to watch my stuff, went over to a restaurant next door, got what I needed, came back — proceeded ‘business as usual’.  He noticed the ‘foreign’ cups on my table, didn’t say anything.

So, as I was ready to leave, and pay for the 1st iced tea he did bring me at the start.  As I placed the $$ on his counter, he wouldn’t look up at me, and proceeded texting on his phone.  He saw I wasn’t reacting to his ‘acting like a jerk’ moves, and then all of a sudden started a normal conversation.  But now I’m thinking less of him, that he (being an all-around great guy, on a shy side) had to resort to the ‘tactics’ and believe they would have a positive effect.  Bottom line — if you ‘act like a [nice] jerk’ — I will label you as a Jerk. [And perhaps even treat you… you guess it, as a Jerk].

I can appreciate sarcasm, however this type of humor [encompasses bantering/teasing] is actually a form of ‘hostility’ disguised as ‘humor’.  Perhaps some ladies respond to bantering/teasing – but for me, it’s so transparent and immature, and not a mark of a real man.

The Real Man Approach

If you want to approach a girl as a real man, don’t do it at her ‘expense’.  Say something you’ve observed (not about ‘her’).  Say something with sincerity, as she probably hasn’t experienced it before [cause most dudes who hit on her use Banter 😉 ].

In the article’s “Book Store Scene” the strange guy who’d pique my interest would say something ‘clever’.

Wit = Charm.  

For instance: [as I’m surfing the book shelves, he’s casually nearby and in-half whisper says]: “Can you imagine if all these books were played as audio-books at once?” and then smile in a sincere, non-threatening manner.  Or, example 2:

Boy: “Book-business is probably not a good business, don’t you think?”

Girl: “Idk.  Why?”

Boy: “How many books can a person realistically carry out of the store?”

Girl: [laughter]. “You’re right!”

See the difference between the Banter-approach and the Wit-approach?   Which one would you think would be more effective?  And which guy would be more charming — the ‘playful insult-funny’ guy or the ‘clever-funny’ man?

When a guy resorts to the popular tactics: Banter, Teasing, Compliments laced with Insults, Now You See Me/Now You Don’t…  This guy does not come across as truly confident [no matter his level of skill].  In fact, he ‘cheapens’ his value and reduces himself to a plain joke.  Not to mention, that most of the Banter lines guys sponge up second-hand online.  And… [and this is a big And], how can a guy stand out to – when the other guys are playing the same suit?

A Smart-Funny guy is just way more of a turn on.  Ladies, I can’t speak for all, so feel free to chime in!

Alessante

Why Men Pull Away (Part Deux) – When Things Are Going Spectacularly

Just as you reach that ‘sweet spot’ in your relationship with your new beau, something dreadful happens.  He starts ‘back-peddling’ – calls unreturned, texts come 48hrs later (or just short of a missing person report), and he’s all of a sudden ‘busy’ with [insert any excuse here] to see you this week.  Since things have been progressing so well – you have no clue why your guy is all of a sudden has morphed into a ghost.

Cinderella

Don’t freak out!  It took me a looooonnnngggg time to understand this from male perspective. But, let’s reverse the situation, though in a different scenario.

Imagine a cliché Cinderella ‘dream-date’:

On a first date, your prince charming brings you 3 dozens of roses with fragrance that will make your head spin.  At a lobster dinner, he presents you with diamond earrings, he just had to buy because they reminded him of you, the two of you dance under the moonlight to Sinatra, and then he shows you a reservation for an $800/night luxury hotel suite.

Of course, you are dazzled by his initiative and interest; however you are not about to subscribe to a 1-date relationship, so you begin planning your escape route (texting your girlfriend/sister to place a strategic ‘emergency’ call at exactly 10:45pm), then you are outta there.

Now, Imagine Your Guy’s View of Your Relationship:

Especially, when things couldn’t get better between the two of you – he’s freaking out on the inside.  As you let your warm, loving and passionate nature flow at his direction only, and he feels so loved and honored, something happens…  He begins to question where the relationship is headed, way long before you do!  He’s imagining TV dinners, poopy-diapers, never ever freely leaving his soiled laundry on the floor for weeks (we’ve all done this 😉 ).  So, what does he do?  He’s planning his escape route.  Only, unlike the ‘strategic move’ (in my personal experience), it is a more of a ‘knee-jerk’ reaction – a reflex.

So he’s scarce, clammed up, and is fully expecting your flood-gates of Hell to be unhinged by scary Ogres.  If that happens – he’s confirmed in his decision, and will seek a perma-way out.  If you do nothing, wait it out and play along – he’ll think ‘great – my cake is here, now where’s my fork?.  If you, however, introduce a ‘consequence’ to his actions – that is the factor that will determine the future of your relationship.

More than anything, guys are afraid of ‘developing feelings’ (everyone has a fear of being hurt), so they’ll try to pull any shit they can get away with and still keep the ‘girl interested in them’.  And if there’s no ‘consequence’ to their behavior… they win, and never have to ‘evolve’ their relationship.  If however, the girl (is not all sugar and spice, and everything nice) can demonstrate by stealthily ‘ditching’ the guy, her strong value/self-worth, the scarcity of her time and attention — the guy-in-question will most likely review his behavior and realize  he messed up in playing his Houdini act.

I’m not advocating not to trust men – but rather to trust yourself more, then these idiosyncrasies will be like signals bouncing off ‘your’ antenna and for you to interpret the ‘cause & effect’.  [I say ‘interpret’, cause no 100% is guaranteed].

There’s so much elaboration needed here… I will get to it.  Meanwhile,

Yours Truly,

Alessante

It Is Not Marriage, It Is Divorce That Will Become Obsolete

expiraton tastes greatIf you’re confused, please bear with me for a sec…

An acquaintance recently recommended a book to me – How to Stop Smoking the Easy Way.  As I began reading it, I wondered…  Ehhh, do I really want to quit?  Paradoxically, my best “revelations” came to me, as I would light up a Nat Sherman’s.

A male friend of mine recently alluded to ‘marriage = death’, and I agreed with that.  It seems more and more that the conventional marriage is becoming less of an attractive destination for our fast-moving lives today.  We all have this deep-seated hesitation of ‘ending up with the wrong person’ and, let’s face it – divorce is quite unpleasant.  But I also do not believe every person is destined to stomp this earth alone, without a reliable partner.  We are wo/men, and we quite like each other’s  reliable company.   With me, so far?

I’d like to believe that my ‘psychic abilities’ are growing and I won’t even charge you $2/min. for what I’m about to reveal… (dismiss, if you like – no judgment),  but as I was ‘meditating’ on the subject of marriage (and lighting up my Nat Sherman’s), something hit me!

The future of marriage will be different.  It will re-form, putting the divorce lawyers out of the cushy business. 😉

I got a ‘sense’ that in the near future, the marriage will less of a ‘buy’ and more like a ‘lease’ contract.  E.g. – You and I are married (great!), but our marriage license (like all other licenses today) will expire in 1 yearr, or other pre-determined time-frame.  After 1 year, we ask each other: “still want to be married to me?”.  If “Yes!”, then we book our annual honeymoon (yeay!).   If the sentiment is more along the lines of “Jeez, I can’t stand this person; thank goodness I have only 4 months to go.” Then, the marriage will expire and be nulled.  No messy divorce, no division of assets (it depends, perhaps only those that count ‘during’ the marriage).

If this were to be the future… would this scare you or make you at ease?  Let me know your thoughts.

Yours Truly,

Alessante