Why Men Pull Away (Part Deux) – When Things Are Going Spectacularly

Just as you reach that ‘sweet spot’ in your relationship with your new beau, something dreadful happens.  He starts ‘back-peddling’ – calls unreturned, texts come 48hrs later (or just short of a missing person report), and he’s all of a sudden ‘busy’ with [insert any excuse here] to see you this week.  Since things have been progressing so well – you have no clue why your guy is all of a sudden has morphed into a ghost.

Don’t freak out!  It took me a looooonnnngggg time to understand this from male perspective. But, let’s reverse the situation, though in a different scenario.

Imagine a cliché Cinderella ‘dream-date’:

On a first date, your prince charming brings you 3 dozens of roses with fragrance that will make your head spin.  At a lobster dinner, he presents you with diamond earrings, he just had to buy because they reminded him of you, the two of you dance under the moonlight to Sinatra, and then he shows you a reservation for an $800/night luxury hotel suite.

Of course, you are dazzled by his initiative and interest; however you are not about to subscribe to a 1-date relationship, so you begin planning your escape route (texting your girlfriend/sister to place a strategic ‘emergency’ call at exactly 10:45pm), then you are outta there.

Now, Imagine Your Guy’s View of Your Relationship:

Especially, when things couldn’t get better between the two of you – he’s freaking out on the inside.  As you let your warm, loving and passionate nature flow at his direction only, and he feels so loved and honored, something happens…  He begins to question where the relationship is headed, way long before you do!  He’s imagining TV dinners, poopy-diapers, never ever freely leaving his soiled laundry on the floor for weeks (we’ve all done this 😉 ).  So, what does he do?  He’s planning his escape route.  Only, unlike the ‘strategic move’ (in my personal experience), it is a more of a ‘knee-jerk’ reaction – a reflex.

So he’s scarce, clammed up, and is fully expecting your flood-gates of Hell to be unhinged by scary Ogres.  If that happens – he’s confirmed in his decision, and will seek a perma-way out.  If you do nothing, wait it out and play along – he’ll think ‘great – my cake is here, now where’s my fork?.  If you, however, introduce a ‘consequence’ to his actions – that is the factor that will determine the future of your relationship.

More than anything, guys are afraid of ‘developing feelings’ (everyone has a fear of being hurt), so they’ll try to pull any shit they can get away with and still keep the ‘girl interested in them’.  And if there’s no ‘consequence’ to their behavior… they win, and never have to ‘evolve’ their relationship.  If however, the girl (is not all sugar and spice, and everything nice) can demonstrate by stealthily ‘ditching’ the guy, her strong value/self-worth, the scarcity of her time and attention — the guy-in-question will most likely review his behavior and realize  he messed up in playing his Houdini act.

I’m not advocating not to trust men – but rather to trust yourself more, then these idiosyncrasies will be like signals bouncing off ‘your’ antenna and for you to interpret the ‘cause & effect’.  [I say ‘interpret’, cause no 100% is guaranteed].

There’s so much elaboration needed here… I will get to it.  Meanwhile,

Yours Truly,

Alessante

All Men Play Games (It’s How They Survive in the Dating World)/ Women Are Logical and Men Are Emotional (Manipulators)

Before we bash them for being the self-centered egoists, let us acknowledge that men have been socialized early on to not display emotions (they still feel them, like us – it’s just not socially acceptable to spill them out or seek direct reassurance).  So, let’s break-down a man’s ‘emotional code’, shall we?

“I really like you”

He’ll have no problem saying this to a girl, but he’ll rarely ask “Do you really really like me???”.  No, what he’ll do is check out another woman at a restaurant, just as you be telling an interesting story…  Why?  He’s fully expecting the ‘are you f*ing serious?’ look on your face.  If he gets it – he’ll know you care about him.  Also, pouting and silent treatment accomplishes the same goal.  However… he holds you to a double standard: should you check out another man, he’ll think you’re not trust-worthy.  Game Over.

“I’m busy, can we get together some time later?”

This one is a classic.  He’s hoping you’ll be thinking [and expressing] “WTF are you so busy with?  We always have a great time together!”  If you allude to this statement – again, he’ll get the satisfaction that you care about him.  Meanwhile, he’ll feel important and [importantly] ‘in control’.  This game of course can and should be played by both sides – after all, he started it. 😉

“My job is really stressing me out, need a change; can I go home with you tonight?”

This one applies to ‘commuter-girls’ who date a ‘city-boy’.  This message is quite transparent: “I want sex tonight!”  Do not be sympathetic to him being worn out and ‘rejuvenating’ at your suburban/country residence.  Give him the best excuse – “I’m sorry you are so stressed, but my house is being treated for termites, so I’m staying with my mother.”

“I have [cough] true feelings for you”

This one is also as classic as a dry martini… Translation from M to F dictionary: “I think it’s time we have sex.”  This usually happens on date #3 (lol, whoever wrote the ‘rule-book’, man…).  The only ‘feelings’ after a short period… are in his trousers, so ‘buyer-be-ware’, and tell him “thank you, I enjoy getting to know about you, too.”  Like a thawed champagne ice-bucket down his pants.  Congrats!

“I don’t do this just for anybody, you know?”

Ah, yes – the ‘hero’ complex…  If he drives out of his way to see you, or does something for you as a favor… buyer-be-ware.  If he says it – it means “girl, you owe me [usually sex]”.  If your man [or,a  to-be-man] ever pulls this line on you???  Take out a Ben Franking or an Andrew Jackson (whatever the occasion calls for), hand it to him and thank him for his time.  Then, sit back and watch his ego fly around the room like a burst helium balloon.

And for the Finale:  “I Miss You.”

Really?  If he’s been a decent man – should these words come out of the blue?  No, they should not!  This usually means: “Hey, hun, I’m bored – what are you up to tonight?” Best response is along lines: “Yeah, I know how it feels – I miss my cat Sparky…Sigh.”  And, just in case, he won’t get the hint and come back with “yeah, I miss Sparky, too”.  Be sure to remind him, the phantom Sparky and him never actually met.

My Ladies – you deserve all the Love in this world.  But it seems we are ‘forced’ to play a game of skill for it.

Yours Truly,

Alessante

How To Get Over The Ex-Boyfriend When You’re Still In-Love With Him

How To Get Over The Ex-Boyfriend When You’re Still In-Love With Him

Ok, there’s a lot of advice out there on how to mend a broken heart.  After our sweet ‘a-hole’ dumped us, more than anything we would like is to re-connect.  However, with each passing day it seems we hurt more and more while the resolution seems less and less of a probability.  What a girl to do?

Here are some tips [though presented lightly, are perfectly serious, and taken from a personal experience].  Some are no-brainers, some are a bit controversial,  so can use your own judgment.

Do’s and Don’ts:

1. Do not – Indulge In Carbs, Ben&Jerry’s And Romantic Comedies. All those things may bring short-term comfort [if they do… never for me].  You are hurt… but no one wants to simply add extra lbs.  There’s a “better” [or worse] ways to raise that dopamine…
2. “Do” [disclaimer: it’s entirely up to your judgment] Start Smoking, Or Vaping. Nicotine, although a pesky compound,  can act like a stimulant/sedative and remove all cravings for the beyond-mentioned things, thus keeping you (or leading you) into a great shape – no gym necessary.
3. Do Hit The gym. but if like me – you are bored to death at the thought of going on treadmill…. No worries. Take a martial arts class (some [college] gyms will offer them with no commitment, so just show up).  Swinging the wooden katanas  will make you feel like you can kick some ass, plus martial arts is a great way to discipline your mind.
4. Do Wear ‘Make Up & Hair” At The Gym. You never know what cuties are lifting their weights while checking you out.  You’re always prepared and will stand out from the ‘regulars’.  You look good at office, party, or at the gym – no matter the occasion.  People will notice.  😉
5. Do Not! Go On A Vacation/Getaway — changing the scene may seem like a good thing to do, but who wants to be standing on the romantic beach, broken-hearted, observing happy honey-mooners?  Even with friends… (you’ll always wish there’d be romance in this setting).
6. Do Not Go On A Shopping Spree. Bright store lights and upbeat music is a seductive way for some to pass their time.  But you don’t want to blow a month’s of your salary on random stuff.  There’s a better way…
7. Do Spontaneously Buy A Ridiculously Expensive [On 70% Sale] Piece Of Jewelry. I went out for lunch in NYC and it cost me $1,600 (original price?  Allegedly $6.500).   I never buy jewels, but this particular piece ‘spoke to me’ – a waterfall necklace of Aquamarine (estimated weight 1lb).  Even though it’s subtle enough to wear to work, I get compliments wherever I go.  I’m an astrological water-sign, so it balances me.   Look out for something special enough to you – you will never regret it!
8. DO BUY SHARON ARGOVE’S “WHY MEN LOVE [MARRY] BITCHES”. These are life changing books that, as my sister said [I got 2 of them for her birthday] : “where was this BITCH before?”.  If the title offputs you  – don’t let it.  These books are like discovering a map of a foreign country —  and you deserve that!
9. Do ‘Break Up’ with your Ex, Via A Memento-meme. If he has a good sense of humor – he may appreciate your Witt, if he doesn’t – just keep it for yourself.  [P.S.  I sent the following meme to my ex’s brother, whom I thought we had a good standing.  He came back at me saying “You need to move on.” And I said “No sense of humor.” So, play it by ear, as you will.

Break up with your Ex…Man!

1. Now, When Women Get Strong – men can’t help but feel attracted to us. They are soooooo ‘saddled’ with responsibilities day-to-day.  They will never communicate it, but they feel it and get the ‘I gotta escape’ syndrome.  This is so unsavory – I empathize….
2. Just read, if you can Sharon Arogov’s book [I thought of starting a non-profit, lol, to make it available to all ladies.] There’s no magic bullet – just a lucky arrow. J

Sincerely yours,

Allesante