Power Struggles in a Relationship

I would like to preface this post by mentioning Freud/psych-stuff, that when we are dealing with power struggles in a romantic relationship – it is not our significant other who is causing the maddening feelings and reactions in us, they simply an ‘activator’ of earlier struggles we had with our parents, and we deal with them the way we did in our childhood: rebel or comply.

The Anatomy of a Power Struggle

The ‘honeymoon’ period of an early relationship is said to be the most exciting (and since most of us don’t make it to ‘mature love’ is most fulfilling).  Here, each partner wants to please the other, by giving them what they want to give to themselves.  Hence, they are ‘investing’ in the relationship, hoping for a huge windfall of comforts down the line.

Power Struggles commence when one partner feels they have been ‘short-changed’ by the other – aka, they didn’t get what they wanted.  From now on – it’s Game on!

Let’s assume a common theory that at the beginning:

• Men want Sex (sex, and only sex… maybe throw in some cooking, care-taking, etc.)
• Women want a Relationship/Romance (dinners out, hand-holding, walks on the park, kissing on the beach, etc.)

[Note that women “want more” from the guy, as the laundry list is un-balanced, LOL]

At some point in dating, both parties feels the other is ‘warm enough’ to give them what they want and often a sense of entitlement develops.   So, let’s say… after a passionate kiss, the guy gets really turned on and starts testing if he can get sex by putting on the ‘moves’.  If the girl is not ready (or feels the relationship is ‘not there yet’) she’ll deny him sex.  The guy may appear ok with her decision, but often times feels ‘defeated’ – the girl is controlling how things progress.  And this, is not ok with him.  😉  He senses that she ‘wants more’, so he retaliates by holding back on the relationship-stuff.

In addition [from a recent experience],  if a guy is really attracted to a girl  — a passionate kiss will not only set his pants on fire; he’ll also experience some other uncomfortable [and often ‘unwelcomed’] sensations in his knees and his chest area.  At this point, he’s super-embarrassed that this particular girl has that much effect on him, where he thinks he’s losing control of himself.  He must get himself back to being cool, calm and collected.

While from holding back on the relationship-stuff, he will also attempt to regain the upper hand by clandestinely yet persistently proposing ‘opportunities’ [for things to escalate physically – sex].  Hoping that the sooner he gets what he wants, the ‘uncomfortable symptoms’ will go away.  It looks something like this:

• He’ll take you on a date [ but never call it a ‘date’], so you’ll size each other up
• Your interactions are initally causal and pressure-free
• Then you engage in some passionate kissing
• Her: “It’s nice, I am really liking this guy!”
• Him: “Holy crap, me feeling mushy?! Must get “man-hood” back!  Mission: Sex!”
• Mission attempt is swarted
• New Mission: Make Her Feel Un-Special
• He starts to ‘act out’ in retaliation:
  • Stops asking you out on dates
  • Takes forever to return communications [or goes completely offline]
  • Talks about other women
  • Makes up excuses
  • He’s stingy with his time and attention to the girl
  • Forgets stuff, or that the girl even exists

This is the Pivotal Moment

He Pushed you, to see if you’ll run back to him, because you’ll feel hurt and ignored, looking for re-assurance that he’s still interested.  [His hurtful actions are bestowing the crown of Insecurity on you, and you want no part of it].  Though it feels natural and even rational, to openly ask the guy: “What’s up?  Is something wrong?”.

This is a trap!

Notice how men rarely ‘ask’ for anything verbally… let alone for a reassurance of their status with you.  Why?  To spell it out is not a position of power – the opposite.  If a girl plays into his hand [as he expects], he now has the upper hand, knows you are ‘very’ interested, and how to push your buttons.

This is why so many women are labeled as “insecure” [the guy just pulled the rug from under them, duh].  And this is also why so many women are not satisfied in their relationships that drag on for months or years.

Games are Tiresome

But, what if someone ‘challenges’ you to a duel of wits… You have 3 options:

1. “Sir, you have offended my honor, and I demand satisfaction!” [Modern version: Challenge accepted!]
2. Decline the challenge and sever all ties
3. Eh, wave the white flag – NOT RECOMMENDED

The 3 options above will achieve the following likely outcomes:

1. Balance of Power
2. Void and Null
3. Zero-Sum

How to Achieve the Balance of Power

The tricky thing about the term ‘balance’ is that it implies stability.  However, much like the animal kingdom and nature appear balanced and harmonious, there’s a continuing undercurrent of battle for survival.

Now, who wants a continuing struggle for balance?  The good news is that we are humans, and not even the Caesar’s army would need to battle 24/7.  It is only when someone attempts to influence your actions that are not in your best interest, or serve you any positive purpose that you put on the red cape of the general and defend your boundaries.

It is surprisingly simple to do – just ‘do unto others as they do unto you’.

• If he’s non-responsive – let him wonder why he hasn’t heard from you in a while
• If he’s not booking you for dates out – don’t ask ‘when will I see you?’, let him wonder why you’re not “interested” in going out with him
• If he makes up excuses for not spending time with you — oops, you’re busy too
• If he calls/asks last minute [or late at night] to “hang out” or crash at you’re place – you’re grandma is visiting. 😉

However, I also know it is extremely hard to do, since you do want to see him and be around him and shower him with affection [in between rare those moments when you don’t think about as a complete ass****].  The longevity and quality of your relationship will depend on your emotional fortitude.

As a last piece of my humble romance advice:

Know them before you love them

Don’t rush things, and however tempting – do not fall in love with a fantasy of what a relationship “should” be like.  You’re in it with another separate creature, who may have an agenda of their own.

Give in proportion to what they give

This will spare you from feeling depleted, short-changed, unappreciated and taken for granted.

Have fun

If this person in your life is adding richness to your daily life – enjoy it!  Even if the two of you are enjoying each other’s company in a non-date setting [working on a project, chatting at a coffee shop, etc.], it can be more spontaneous and fun [not talking sex here] then the ‘scripted’ dates of movie-dinner-smooch-at-the-door-[followed-by-guy-attempting-to-gain-entry].

Yours Truly,

Alessante

Why Men Want To ‘Casually’ Slip Into a Relationship

After reading Sherry Argov’s  books, which I highly recommend for all the ladies out there [Why Men Love Bitches and Why Men Marry Bitches], I had recently experienced a ‘Revelation’…

I was tipped off that a cute local café-owner had a crush on me, as I attended some events there and worked on my Lenovo a couple of times.  He was acting shy, but kept telling me I should “come more often”.

After a few good conversations, he got comfortable enough with me to suggest ‘watching a movie’ [without ever mentioning the word ‘movie theater’].  He’s a very sweet guy, but has many friend-girls who are in constant ‘need’ of his help. Lol.

So, my ‘spidy-senses’ kicked in and I thought: “Wow, how sneaky… No way I’ll be on his couch, watching a boring flick, as he ‘casually’ tries to put moves on me.”  My idea of a casual date (after reading S.A.)  is: ‘You bring me flowers, and I’ll ‘casually’ let you pay for dinner’.

So why are some me romantically-challenged?

They aren’t.  But, there’s a saying in the Russian language – “Odeyalo na sebya”, which translates as “Pulling the blanket onto your own side”.   Setting the tone, early in the relationship, will affect how it progresses.  So ladies, do realize that your ‘currency’ (no, not sex!) is the same as the man’s you’re dating  – time and attention.

Do not over-give it!   Chances are, you’ve been burnt before, and still can’t place a finger on the true cause.  Throw aside every excuse your ex told you – you likely over-gave/over-accommodated, which in ‘finance-terms’ means you have ‘diluted the value of your stock (by printing more and more)’.  But, as soon as you set your own firm value – lo and behold, the bids from your man will rise.

Continuing with the Finance-analogy (pls, bear with me for a sec):

When a guy asks a girl out (early dating), he’s placing his ‘bids’ – “would you like to…?”, “wouldn’t it be fun if we…?”, “I have feelings for you, what do you think of X…?”, generally lowering his ‘bids’ over time, to where he would like the ‘price’ of the relationship settle.

The girl is usually the ‘clearing house’ – accept, reject, negotiate.  It’s a tall order.   But if you do set a firm value on yourself – you won’t have to.  He’ll have to ‘pay in full’ for your time and attention, without trying to ‘time the market’.  [Let me know if further explanation is necessary for non-finance majors, as it can be confusing.]

How to play the dating ‘market’:

In my case, of the cute café-owner, who asked me to “come more often”;  instead I appeared sporadically and unpredictably.  I dress like I’m not from these country-parts (glam biz-attire always works), and I demonstrated that I can swing my samurai katanas (with just random sticks I found at that place, lol)…  And no word form me partaking in ‘films&chips’ dates!

As long as you are not like ‘every other girl he met before’, you are a high-value stock worth watching.  Do not under-estimate this; he’ll be drawn to you if you are the opposite (of monotony [of even a self-proclaimed party-animal] of his daily routine).  He’ll want you, when you represent something he does not have in his life, but would absolutely love to.

Off with global economy (and the ‘dog-eat-dog’ sentiment)… Let’s rig this ‘Stock Market’ to boost your ‘Stock Price’. 😉

Let me know your thoughts, comments, etc… below.

Yours Truly,

Alessante

The Disappearing Act (If It Happens Very Early On)

In light of what has transpired today, as I made an impromptu appearance at my company’s corporate office, I had to dig deeper – which is the purpose of this post.

Last week, when I was there – a geeky-turned-semi-cute guy, who was introduced by his hockey jock-friend to me some months earlier, asked me the proverbial question:

“Would you like to have lunch sometime?”

Thinking not much of it I replied: “Sure”– we all gotta eat, and I felt like I’d like to talk to him as a person, not a cog in the corporate machine.

Today, almost a week later – he bumped into me with a “hey”.  C’est sa, mes amis.  Se tutto;  non piu.   He saw me but would no more acknowledge me.  I couldn’t stop thinking what’s this all about?  Dude, I don’t even give a piss about you yet.  Which, after reading some very very helpful relationships books (Sherry Argov – she’s awesome and my personal savior), that lead me to [silently] ask a question:

Dude, what is this about?

I mean, I had some short-lived fires burning out, but this guy ‘dumped’ me after I said ‘sure’ [translates to a guy: yes please, I want to marry you right after] to a possible lunch between coworkers.  The situation to me was so childish and ridiculous that (eeehhh, I must confess here – I suspect he thought he was not exactly in “my league”, as his tall dark and handsome (another ****) had been trying to chat with me); unfortunately I don’t care for frat-hockey player guys, Lol.”

Conclusion:

I’ve had relationships fizzle out over months, this one guy was crazy about me for 3 full weeks, and THIS present guy – a promise of a lunch, then a weak later – he Michael Boltoned (as in , he bolted).    Since there are no romantic/emotional ties from either sides what’s so ever, I can only conclude that the first and foremost thing men seek from women is AFFIRMATION (something we, ladies, are spoon-fed that we never should dare to seek from the guy, cause then we are “needy”).

It doesn’t matter if the guy is dating you (and doesn’t follow through) or simply vaguely invites you to a lunch (and does not follow through)  – these are all aimed to bolster his self-esteem.  You saying ‘Yes’ to anything he eagerly proposes , is essentially what his ego craves.  2 minutes later, he’ll realize he’s not up for the actual effort, so “Wham, Spam – thank you, Ma’am.”  There should be a sign posted next to a man: “Please do not feed Ego – it may bite.”

Cheers.
Alessante